Back to the grind

[greatbear]

Today marked the return to work and hopefully a bit of normalcy for me. People at work were very understanding, they had a nice card and small collection waiting for me when I got in. I realized that I jumped the gun with regards to painting everyone there as being insensitive; it only appeared that way because so many were on vacation at the time and did not hear until their return. I did, however, find out that I have good friends that I really didnt know I had, and sadly I have discovered a couple who have wholly turned their backs on me (none of these, btw, are LJers). Unfortunately, my time off decimated both my immediate savings and vacation time. This puts the brakes on any trip plans for the rest of the year, 'retail therapy' and some projects I have going. I'll work things out somehow.

I came home both exhausted and quite upset. The first thing I would do when arriving would be to see how Mom was and what she was doing. The 'urge' was still there, but it was lost in an empty house. I made a little dinner, ate it halfheartedly and collapsed in bed for a little nap. The nap ended at around 11pm and I woke up feeling the need to do something, so I did more wiring on the house. Yeah, strange. But it's so 'me'.

I realize that I still have a long path to travel with regards to healing, reconciliation and moving on. It really hit home today and I spent most of the time choking back tears and failing as I went through my daily routine. I dont see that changing anytime soon. In all honesty, though, I wouldnt feel right if this was not the case. I'll get through it all, one day at a time.

Comments

[sfmini.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to see you are holding up as well as you are. You have been in my thoughts every day for the last couple of weeks. Not a damned thing I could do, but I do care. Just keep moving, eventually the pain finds it's place.

[barak.livejournal.com]

One Day at a Time.... Thats all you can do. It was all I could do for a long time too.

Don't be afraid to talk up someone if you need to. And find something like an activity to help channel your routine aroune the grief, that helps too.

Hugs.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Not a damned thing I could do, but I do care.

Ah, but you contradict yourself. Just knowing that someone cares helps more than I think anyone knows. And I thank you and everyone else who cares.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

That's precisely how I am doing it. One day at a time.

As far as the activities, I am practically manic in finding them. A lot is getting done around here. It's a lot of little, stupid shit in many cases, but it's all part of a greater, grander scheme I suppose.

Moofy thanks to ya. :)

[bc-bigguy.livejournal.com]

What you're experiencing is normal and its one of the first stage of grief.

My uncle had lung cancer and taking care of him was very similar... I cried myself to sleep for an entire year after he passed. I missed him so much... For the first month or so.. I would think I would have to go visit him in the hospital.. and then realize he was gone....

Be patient with yourself.. and if it gets too much for you.. go for counselling.. sometimes its nice just to unload with a complete stranger...

Anyways.. You take care of yourself.. and remember to patient with yourself during this time.

[furrbear.livejournal.com]

Phil, it's OK to cry. Don't worry about holding back the tears. Let them out. Trying to suppress them makes it worse.

I've been wondering about you and I'm glad to see you back.

Be Well.

PS: Late night wiring? I can identify. After my dad's death, Dave got up at 3 AM to find me rewiring a bothroom fan that hadn't worked correctly since we moved in. Other times it would be plumbing related.

[vernnyc.livejournal.com]

Others have said what I was going to say already, so...


HUGS!

[orange-groves.livejournal.com]

MASSIVE HUGS

[in-fin-i-ty.livejournal.com]

*HUGGYPILE* :)

[fjdbear.livejournal.com]

Brings back a lot reading that Phil. Definitely let the tears out, it works to heal, it's cathartic. I realize you can't always do that though. People grieve in their own way. Big Hug

[kjvbear.livejournal.com]

what you are experiencing right now is normal and good actually. If you weren't going thru this I would be worried.

HUGS

[bigfundrew.livejournal.com]

my hope for you is peace

[notdefined.livejournal.com]

Welcome back. My thoughts are with you as you start your journey down this new path. I have walked it several times and will again. It never gets easier but there is a destination and we are there with our arms outstretched waiting for you.

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

You know everything that I would say to you, Phil.

I've said it all before, and I don't want to dilute the sentiment. Just keep in mind that it's all still true.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

I'm in agreement, you are doing the right thing by letting the grief take its course.

If you have to, cry, it can really help at times, now I know that's not possible at work but at home? Sure.

Just do as you are doing, one day at a time.

Hugs to you my friend.

I always think about...

[rockvillewoof.livejournal.com]

that scene in "Steel Magnolias" when Olympia Dukakis offers up "Weezer" to be slapped by Sally Field at a time like this...something dramatic to get a reaction or break the mood.

I loves ya big guy - take it a day at a time - can't expect anybody to do more than that!

[rockybear02.livejournal.com]

***hug***

And thanks for sharing - you helped me put some stuff in perspective...

[beastbriskett.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that you were happily surprised by your co-workers. People do come through sometimes.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, Phil. It lets us know that you're here with us, as we are with you.
Hairy Hugs!

[igzorp.livejournal.com]

Hugs Phil - in my thoughts - others have stated it better I am sure... One day at a time ..

[beg1n.livejournal.com]

I think the routine of going to work is what helped me the most when my Mom passed away. Big big hugs to you Phil - you're in my bigbadtx thoughts. :)