The Manic Mechanic

Okay, it's been a week of pain and bother. I had begun the usual regimen of pills which at best took just a bit of the edge from the pain but did nothing for my total lack of mobility. This means another trip to the orthopedic doc, who will send me off to be shoved into the MRI contraption and then a shot or three in my spine, and if that doesn't work, under the knife. Then there's the very real chance surgery won't help anymore. I seriously can't handle this anymore. I am literally living half the year in pain and immobility, and an all-too-fleeting period where life could pass for somewhat normal. I am a miserable cuss to be around right now, I feel worthless, and anything I try to do to take my mind off it at all sometimes causes me more frustration. The poor pooches, who look forward to our nice long walks during the day, wonder where their big distractions went. There are things I need to fix outside before the shitty weather comes around to stay. And the little fun things I am actually able to do given my constraints are being nagged by discomfort. I just can't get a break.

I wish I had friends that lived closer. Anything for a distraction and a bit of assistance.

As everyone seems to know, a lot of snow fell here recently, and I waited until the next day (Wednesday) to hobble out of the house to the garage, fire up the snowblower and have at it. It wasn't a huge snow, only about 6-7 inches. Anyhow, since my back is in absolutely no shape to even touch a snow shovel, mostly hanging from the handles of the big, self-propelled snowblower is fairly easy, and I have to say, sending a rooster tail of snow high into the air that blots out the sun in my general vicinity is kinda fun. It does, however, fly back at me quite a bit, and after about an hour I pretty much look like the abominable snowman by the time I'm done. I park the thing in the garage, trudge back into the house where I strip myself of my snow-covered outerwear, boots and whatnot and otherwise dry off. While I got most of the snow off of me, I didn't realize there was close to two inches on top of the geeky Mad Bomber hat I use to keep my big flappy ears warm. I set this in the kitchen sink to thaw out, and shook the copious icicles out of my beard. I relax a bit, sore and hurting from the exertion (which I still am as of this writing). I play with the various four-leggers in the house, including the stray cat that makes herself all-too-comfy here. A little while later, I head to the kitchen for a snack, and I notice a furrball on the kitchen counter. The damn cat is always jumping up, looking for anything she can to eat. I yell like I usually do to shoo her off. It was then I realized I was yelling at the hat I put in the sink earlier.

I had a good laugh at my own expense.

Bonus irony points: It was at this time the doorbell rang, it was UPS delivering one of my purchases. A new, black Milwaukee electrically heated jacket. That would've been nice to have on while doing the snow. Well, I know how my irony goes. I was wearing my old red version while slingin' snow. Take that, old irony monster.

Actually, it has been a bit over a month now since I wrecked my back, and my life has been as miserable as you'd expect. Honestly, this has been the worst "suffering" I've had to deal with regarding a health problem. The levels of pain have been on par with the bout with severe diverticulitis that became a serious case of peritonitis which came close to killing me. That ordeal only had me in extreme pain for about a week. Even when I was in a car accident that busted up my shoulder and left me with a permanently detached collarbone was easier to deal with. I've spent the entire time unable to sleep in a bed, I sleep sitting in a chair with a small table (or, more often, my keyboard drawer, thankfully I had made it "industrial strength") with my face buried in a pillow or sofa cushion. I wake up from increasing pain as the drugs wear off. If I have the misfortune of putting myself in a bad position while asleep, the pain makes me groan and cuss. I tried a couple times to lay in bed after I had an epidural injection into my spine thinking it might be doable. I woke up in such searing pain I nearly blacked out. I could almost put all that aside if it weren't for the fact that I am basically unable to do anything to take my mind off of it all. I need a walker to move about the house, and two canes the few times I went out with Jeff to the various doctors. The walker is to wide and cumbersome to easily move around the house, so instead I am using a dolly that has five stacked and connected power tool cases. It's narrower, and I can use it to cart things around, and the weight of everything (maybe 80 pounds) gives me a bit of resistance that helps my legs. I guess it fits my character a bit better too. If I stand, I make Quasimodo look like a model of good posture, gait and stance. Walking without any support is impossible.

Those who know me well are quite aware of my apparent need to constantly build, fix, examine, design and tinker with things. The fact this injury has all but stripped me of the ability to do these things is tantamount to cruelty and torture. Yes, there are chores and tasks needing attention, but I am unable to do a lot of the cool and fun projects and such I had in the works. With little more than the computer to keep me entertained, I peruse my various forums when I am lucid, and I spent far too much time dreaming up new ideas as well as collecting thoughts on current stuff. I also discovered that popping over a dozen pills a day including narcotic pain relievers fogs my judgement as evidenced by the purchase of yet another high-zoot home theater receiver to redo the big setup in the living room. I can at least take some comfort (and distraction) as I integrate this new unit and be able to watch movies in style once again. that is, until the required drugs kick in and I fall into a near narcoleptic sleep wherever I might be.

I have a doctor visit tomorrow to discuss the next course of action, which will involve more surgery on my spine. I suffer now from degenerative disc disease, and moderate to severe scoliosis. The real problem at the moment is due to a herniated disc once again compressing the spinal nerves, along with a "free fragment" of that disc separating and digging hard into the nerves. This is worse than the original problem I had with the spinal stenosis which slowly over time constricted the nerves and left me with pretty severe sciatic nerve pain. At least back then I could get relief laying down, or, oddly, sitting cross-legged on the ground. This time it's just sheer hell with no relief in sight for who knows how long. To add more insult to injuries, this doesn't take into account my Jenga'd vertebrae which will will undoubtedly be a source of future problems, which most likely will involve metal plates and screws and bone fusion. Right now, I am fortunate to have Jeff to help me with daily life and trips to the hospital and doctors. I am just so sorry I get him awake in the middle of the night so often when I end up screaming from the pain.

I have a lot on my mind considering the future. This might end up being a permanent disability, one that will require lots of rethinking and changes. I'm trying not to let that absorb me too much, it's too depressing. In the meantime, I am trying to stay as positive as I can. Wish me luck.

Edit: I want to thank everyone who has left me well wishes and good thoughts. Sorry I haven't gotten back to thank everyone personally, writing my thoughts out online has been an exercise in futility and lots of misspellings and goofy grammar. Drugs are bad, mmkay...

This morning I had the misfortune of slipping on the seemingly permanent ice on the walkway in front of the house, landing square on my ass and screwing up my back. So today was spent laying in bed filled with pain killers and trying to recover. I hope this is not serious. I was laid up for months in '03-'04 with a torn muscle in my lower back. I do not need a repeat of that incident. If tomorrow finds me still unable to stand, it's off to the doctor I go to have things checked out.

The next couple days will be fairly warm, and will hopefully get rid of the glacier currently occupying my yard. Jeff's truck needs some pretty major work, an intake manifold gaskets and motor/encoder assembly for the transfer case, plus a pair of hinge pins and bushings in the driver's door. I got an Optima battery to hopefully cram into the Mini Cooper, seeing that the original battery dies after the car sits for a few days. Contrast this to the 7+ year old battery that is still plugging away in the Stratus. That battery gets replaced very soon, since experience tells me that it will die a sudden death with little or no warning. These minor projects will happen if my back allows them to.