Cane and disabled

So, this weekend my back decided to, once again, crumble and leave me, once again, hunched over in extreme pain, unable to walk for any distance without my stick, and make sleeping an uncomfortable activity at best. This setback, one I was dreading more than anything in the face of so much going on with the wedding prep, spring cleaning and fixing, recalcitrant vehicles and just everyday life, puts into question everything that has been planned for this year. If this gets any worse and I need to go under the knife, it will have to be the most invasive procedure so far, where my entire lower back will have to be fused, with who knows how long of a recovery time (I've never actually recovered from the first time, much less this second go-round), and my abilities to lead a normal, active life from here on out are completely destroyed.

I can't walk the dogs, do yard work, hell, even vacuuming the floor right now is out. At best I can sit around uncomfortably for a while before I have to try and lay down to alleviate the pain and discomfort.

This bullshit has most likely put everything for this year in doubt, including our wedding.

I can't even guarantee that this pain and disability won't cause me to do something very stupid and rash.

Fuck my worthless excuse for a life.