Greatbearmd, his eyes wide open
Jan. 9th, 2009 01:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greatbearThis is starting to drive me crazy. For the past week, I have not been able to sleep at night whatsoever. My mind keeps racing, I can't get comfortable, and right about as the sun starts to shine, I collapse. My remedy for this has been taking days of vacation to rest during the morning, and doing my various projects here at the House and Garage of Mayhem in the afternoon and evening. I've been watching the caffeine intake, not eating anything past dinnertime for the most part, and not napping. Still, I am restless as hell, I DON'T want to sleep, and I keep doing stuff to make use of the time.
But there is an upside to this happening. You see, this is the 'old me' finally coming back online.
For many years, seemingly centered around the car accident in '00 and really hitting hard with Mom's initial diagnosis of lung cancer, the old me that was a whirlwind of creativity and enthusiasm got the wind knocked out of my sails. I got mopey and listless, I let things fall into neglect and disrepair at times, and I really didnt have much enthusiasm to speak of. I'd been diagnosed with depression in the years before after suffering with peritonitis that nearly killed me and the antibiotics and drugs that brought my body back into shape turned my mind into oatmeal. After a run of antidepressants I eventually weaned myself off of them, flying solo and doing pretty good until that time period I spoke of earlier. I noticed lately that I am more upbeat and during my holiday break I did a lot of stuff around here and began to really feel good about myself. But the pendulum seems to have swung too far. I'm practically hyper and need to channel it somewhere.
That hyper part has done me well over the years. I missed it, actually, since it would get me through rough times, keep my focus, and give me feelings of accomplishment. This is the first time in a while that I can say I am more like my 'old self' and it genuinely makes me happy. The problem is, it's wildly out of sync with the demands of everyday life. Tonight I clambered around in the basement running cabling and ran wires through walls, cutting holes in drywall, installing boxes and all sorts of other stuff. I'd be doing more at the moment except for the fact that Jeff is asleep and the sounds of reciprocating saws, drills and hammers would not be appropriate this time of night. So, I sit here installing printer software on the server with my eyes so wide open I resemble a crack addict looking for scrap metal to plunder from abandoned buildings. If I could only set my internal time zone to match reality.
Blargh, this is nuts.
But there is an upside to this happening. You see, this is the 'old me' finally coming back online.
For many years, seemingly centered around the car accident in '00 and really hitting hard with Mom's initial diagnosis of lung cancer, the old me that was a whirlwind of creativity and enthusiasm got the wind knocked out of my sails. I got mopey and listless, I let things fall into neglect and disrepair at times, and I really didnt have much enthusiasm to speak of. I'd been diagnosed with depression in the years before after suffering with peritonitis that nearly killed me and the antibiotics and drugs that brought my body back into shape turned my mind into oatmeal. After a run of antidepressants I eventually weaned myself off of them, flying solo and doing pretty good until that time period I spoke of earlier. I noticed lately that I am more upbeat and during my holiday break I did a lot of stuff around here and began to really feel good about myself. But the pendulum seems to have swung too far. I'm practically hyper and need to channel it somewhere.
That hyper part has done me well over the years. I missed it, actually, since it would get me through rough times, keep my focus, and give me feelings of accomplishment. This is the first time in a while that I can say I am more like my 'old self' and it genuinely makes me happy. The problem is, it's wildly out of sync with the demands of everyday life. Tonight I clambered around in the basement running cabling and ran wires through walls, cutting holes in drywall, installing boxes and all sorts of other stuff. I'd be doing more at the moment except for the fact that Jeff is asleep and the sounds of reciprocating saws, drills and hammers would not be appropriate this time of night. So, I sit here installing printer software on the server with my eyes so wide open I resemble a crack addict looking for scrap metal to plunder from abandoned buildings. If I could only set my internal time zone to match reality.
Blargh, this is nuts.
