Of ladders and frustrations
Jul. 1st, 2010 12:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greatbearWhy no postings of a more personal nature lately? Well, in a word or few, I've been mostly a mess. Granted, if I look at it from an outside point of view, it does not seem like much, especially when compared to what others I know have been dealing with. But what really gets to me is pent-up frustration. For example, to keep myself sane and make use of my time awaiting a valid solution to my lower nerves issue, I've been doing little, otherwise time-consuming repairs and upgrades here at Casa de Mayhem. Organizing, tossing out accumulated cruft, fixes, etc. It dawned on me that the pattern of how I undertake these various tasks almost borders on OCD behaviour (spelled with a "u" for Canada Day!). It suits me, as I focus on a class of things, I do them well, and I no longer have to worry about them. The feeling of accomplishment and pride in the results makes me happy. However, it's not been without a few issues.
My problem has been that I experience numbness and spasms in my legs, stemming from a severely pinched nerve in my lower spinal column. It makes walking an occasional bother, but the problem manifests itself when rising from a sitting position or lifting even minor weight a certain way. I will tend to stumble sideways, needing to catch myself. This can sometimes lead to falls, or I drop stuff. Annoying and frustrating for someone who is of an independent (and stubborn) nature. But, when dealing with it in all of it's sporadic, surprising nature and faced with failures of the medical profession to give me some solid relief, I tend to get more than frustrated. A case in point being a couple weeks ago, while trying to finish up a relatively minor trim replacement on my garage doors, I needed to stand on a 2ft stepladder to reach the upper parts around the doors. My legs suddenly answer the call by flaking out and I stumble off the little ladder, sending it one way and me the other. I had enough, I lose it, grab a nearby 5 pound hammer and smash the ladder to smithereens for at least five minutes. There was not a thing wrong with the ladder, it was not even a year old. But something had to give. It was my sanity, of course. The ladder just took the brunt of it.
Tomorrow I get to start the last hope in dealing with this. Surgery seems the only recourse, as the PT, shots to the spine and other stuff did not provide any lasting relief. My worry is that this does not do the trick either, and I end up being like this, in a declining state as well, for the rest of my foreseeable life. I've already lost a huge amount of strength in my legs and back, and it's visible more than ever to boot. I am not used to this, nor do I want to continue like this. I want the old me back. I replaced the ladder, but I have not climbed on it. I'm afraid to. Needless to say, there are things here that need me up on a much higher ladder, and I don't want to risk it. Dropping from a foot or two bruised my ego. From ten feet, it could break something.
Since you made it this far reading my depressing tome, here's something to cheer you back up.
My problem has been that I experience numbness and spasms in my legs, stemming from a severely pinched nerve in my lower spinal column. It makes walking an occasional bother, but the problem manifests itself when rising from a sitting position or lifting even minor weight a certain way. I will tend to stumble sideways, needing to catch myself. This can sometimes lead to falls, or I drop stuff. Annoying and frustrating for someone who is of an independent (and stubborn) nature. But, when dealing with it in all of it's sporadic, surprising nature and faced with failures of the medical profession to give me some solid relief, I tend to get more than frustrated. A case in point being a couple weeks ago, while trying to finish up a relatively minor trim replacement on my garage doors, I needed to stand on a 2ft stepladder to reach the upper parts around the doors. My legs suddenly answer the call by flaking out and I stumble off the little ladder, sending it one way and me the other. I had enough, I lose it, grab a nearby 5 pound hammer and smash the ladder to smithereens for at least five minutes. There was not a thing wrong with the ladder, it was not even a year old. But something had to give. It was my sanity, of course. The ladder just took the brunt of it.
Tomorrow I get to start the last hope in dealing with this. Surgery seems the only recourse, as the PT, shots to the spine and other stuff did not provide any lasting relief. My worry is that this does not do the trick either, and I end up being like this, in a declining state as well, for the rest of my foreseeable life. I've already lost a huge amount of strength in my legs and back, and it's visible more than ever to boot. I am not used to this, nor do I want to continue like this. I want the old me back. I replaced the ladder, but I have not climbed on it. I'm afraid to. Needless to say, there are things here that need me up on a much higher ladder, and I don't want to risk it. Dropping from a foot or two bruised my ego. From ten feet, it could break something.
Since you made it this far reading my depressing tome, here's something to cheer you back up.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 05:23 pm (UTC)Thanks for sharing whats going on with you. I'm sending my prayers or thoughts or good ju-jus your way. Keeping you in my heart buddy. It will all go well. I have a good feeling about it.
Big badger hug.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 05:33 pm (UTC)At least you're staying active, just don't over do it. Eh!
:o)
Hugs
no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 06:11 pm (UTC)Loved the video. I want one of those! They're so cute.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 06:45 pm (UTC)I was hoping for a less invasive procedure for you, but I guess not.
(((ULTRA-HUGS)))
Hang in there and work at being patient.
I understand about limitations. I have several limitations now, too.
I let myself get very depressed over them until a few months ago. It takes great effort not to feel badly about only being able to do a lot less. Believe me when I say this.
Love the Star Wars At-At video!! Thanks.
I favorited it at Youtube.
It was great!
no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 10:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-01 11:56 pm (UTC)Of course, I don't know if that will help as much for the legs as it did for my arm...
Mostly, I just wanted to comment with a similar issue of mine to share, in hopes to prove that you are neither that boring or depressing...
And if I was ever in the neighborhood, I would gladly scale the big ladders for you... nekkid.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 01:43 am (UTC)As others have said, perhaps some acupuncture and/or chiropractic care may help as well.
Good luck with all of this.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 12:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-02 08:44 pm (UTC)You touched on two things that are important. Your sense of satisfaction that is tied to your projects, and your fear of losing that as time wears things out. As it seems you've nearly exhausted the physical possibilities, perhaps surgery will help. (You might take a thorough look at acupuncture and chiropractic treatment before going under the knife) Regardless of the outcome of all this, your main task here seems to be adapting to your changing abilities. New tricks are hard for us old dogs, but channeling your vast fix-it energies toward the more intangible emotional dissonance will do you good. It sounds from this post that you already have a decent handle on things.
Thanks for being so open, and giving us a chance to listen.
*Massive hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-07-03 10:16 pm (UTC)