Anti-social media

[greatbear]

(Warning, lots of personal meanderings ahead.)

Well, I guess it has come down to this. At first I thought it was just a passing feeling. I tried to work around it, doing what I could to make a presence here and on the very few other social media sites I still use. Granted, the posts are of little substance, videos and failed memes, etc, but at least it was an effort. But I've come to the conclusion that my use of various "social media" outlets has left me more hollow and wanting than if I dispensed with the things entirely.

I realize there are many of you reading this that don't understand what I am feeling. I see a lot of people who absolutely rock their various online self-media outlets. Lots of dialog, on- and off-line gatherings and get-togethers, those sort of things. In my case, I only feel the "illusion" of a robust circle of friends. If I don't initiate a conversation, or join one already happening in another venue (in the case of LJ, this means posting something here or making a comments in someone else's entry), nothing will happen. No "hey, what's up" or other outside initiator will happen. Often if I send a message to someone I might not get a response, or the conversation will cease if I don't make the last entry into it. I generally chalk it up to folks' increasingly busy lives. But when the results have approached 100%, I tend to get the message, even if I am slow to realize.

I've long realized that my personality is not everyone's slice of cherry pie. But as I've found myself going through a lot of terrible things in my life with no one beside me to speak of save for maybe Jeff, I've come to some pretty indelible conclusions. The one that pertains to LJ, and by extension, any other online interpersonal sites like Facebook, etc., is do I continue to pin an increasingly false hope of actual friendship and support based in a "virtual" world? What I mean to say is it seems that doing so has only increased to disconnect and made me realized how little I have in the way of close friendships and camaraderie. Having friends halfway across the globe online is well and good in itself, but in reality it's nothing more than a circle of pen-pals. Human beings thrive on interpersonal contact, something that is sorely lacking in my life in not only recent years, but throughout my entire life. I grew up in an isolated little community where I had no local friends. People that I could call "friends" lived at minimum a few miles away. This involved a car trip or a time-consuming (and dangerous) bike ride through rural roads to get together. As time rolled on, this situation has not changed. I still live in a mostly rural-suburban setting with no neighborhood friends. The few people I counted as friends growing up are the same ones I associate with now on a somewhat regular basis, with the incidental traveling conundrum still in effect.

Throughout all of this the one aspect what bugs me the most is the near perfect record I have with meeting people in person that I have gotten to know via previous online interaction who I apparently have a good time with together, but once we've gone back to our own respective corners of the world, it rarely if ever recurs, Also in many cases the online tête-à-tête diminishes if not disappears entirely. I might not always be the sharpest crayon in the box, but for the life of me I can't figure this one out. Am I the victim of differing expectations? Do I smell bad? Did I not pick up the tip for dinner? I'm totally dumbfounded. When it happens now and then, I can chalk it up to various things that make humans incompatible with one another for whatever reason. When it occurs with nearly the same regularity as a sunset I don't know what to do. Suffice it to say, it does hurt, and I no longer want to expose myself to those kinds of situations.

Where does this leave me now? Do I keep being the one that has to initiate and carry conversations? Do I expend the most effort in trying to buoy a budding personal friendship? Do I send out repeated status queries to everyone involved to basically ask "are we still friends?" I'm no longer going to subject myself to unreturned messages on social sites and apps, no-shows to party and meeting invitations or similar. And, sad to say, I wont expect much more out of LJ other than entertainment, news and mild comment interplay. Pinning my hopes that "social media" leads to being more "social" has only reinforced my belief that the opposite is in fact what is true. It brings well-intentioned people together through often vast distances, raising hopes in people like me that there are indeed people out there that I share lots of interests and whatnot with, but in the end those vast distances remain. And in most cases when those distances were breached, the hope of lasting friendship gets quashed for whatever reason I have yet to figure out.

LJ has become a nearly unusable morass of failed entry and comment postings, delayed or nonexistent comment notifications and for some people a disgusting display of advertising and spam. The latter is not always apparent to LJ users with paid accounts, but the basic stuff is a mess, with all users being subject to all kinds of scripts and mechanisms designed to make money and track user movements and habits. The failure of the various scripts end up blocking the actual content, and people stumbling upon our journals from outside are often forced to watch an ad or video before they can even get to actual entries. I did not originally sign up to be subjected to such bullshit, and I've had enough. What little meaningful contact I do have here is interrupted by what amounts to the Russian Mafia. I'm done with it.

Comments

[2stroker.livejournal.com]

Gee,I've felt that way for years now! It's all so lame isn't it. I don't bother much here. It's really kind of meaningless in terms of my own life. I glance at it a couple times during the day to see if there is anything of interest and usually log off in under 2 minutes.But,from time to time something good does come along.That's the only reason I'm here.The daily bullshit is just that.

[rcfozzie.livejournal.com]

Phil,
Being one who fights the "social demon" (online or off) due to shyness, I do understand your frustration with the social media.

However, for what its worth, you were a huge help to me with my recent back issues and surgery. I still think of you and the things you said to me, quite often. I don't know you in real life and can't even speculate if we will ever meet in person. (you'll get a huge hug if we ever do)
Please know that you did make a difference in someone's life on this 'social media outlet' and whatever you decide to do - I'll always be very appreciative of that. Thank you.
The social media may not be what you are wanting it to be - but I think it does have some positives, when you can find them.
Hugs to you.

[barak.livejournal.com]

The way I figure it: I write here for ME, not for anyone else.

I read people's entries for interest, but lately I've found that most of the interesting people have abandoned LJ for other pursuits.

Then there are the people who engage in, from my point of view, self-aggrandizing commentary or vicious attacks on others. Most of those people I've eschewed completely.

Then the other people who still post, I find I don't have anything clever or interesting or new to reply, so I don't reply. I think, in my case, this probably why I find my LJ interactions have decreased a lot lately.

And then there are a lot of people who have become virtual voyeurs: they just want to "know" what you're up to, but they don't want to interact for whatever reason.

So then that brings me back to my original point: I post on these social medias for ME, not for anyone else. But that might not work for you. So I guess I can only say you have to find your path, follow your own bliss.

Related commentary to your last paragraph: Its unfortunate that the LJ advertising scheme has made the site unusable for free visitors. I loathe advertising to the point that I was glad to pony up for the permanent account years ago. Its made my LJ existence so much more comfortable. But how do we fix this for the new visitors we want to interact with?

[geometrician.livejournal.com]

I'll miss seeing you here.

I'm not sure what the expectations should be for a social networking site. I think that if you are expecting the kind of social fulfillment that comes from actually going out and interacting with a group of friends you see face to face on a regular basis, then you are sure to be disappointed. Granted, I've met some great folks here, including my now partner and some good friends. But I think that it is far more important to get out and spend time with people. I'm starting to realize that getting out and spending time with people is worthwhile for its own sake, where previously I thought I needed some fantastic reason to get together.

Anyway, I wish you the best. I think you've been on my friends list for about eight years now, and while we may not have any direct interaction, I have enjoyed knowing you even remotely.

[badgerpdx.livejournal.com]

Like Moof-burger, I write mostly for me, but if people like it or respond to it, so much the better.

That being said. It is vitally interesting to me how you are doing. When I see a post of yours, I read it. AND I don't want to stop. SO, you stop doing it here, you have to be a pen-pal...wouldn't you rather continue providing the service to many folks at once, instead of just my own greedy hot little hands?

[tbrough.livejournal.com]

Phil. I - for one - would miss your presence.

[fuzzbearmark.livejournal.com]

I see Live Journal more as a BLOG - writing down feelings, experiences, opinions -not necessarily expecting comments and interactions - I expect FaceBook to be more interactive in in that way.

I do read and enjoy your posts here -it's certainly up to you, but you will be missed.

[kirbymiles.livejournal.com]

I agree - to me my LJ is my diary. There are entries that I keep private that are just for me, but for the most part it is a public diary. I have no expectations from anyone to read or comment because I do this for me. Do not get me wrong, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and comment, I just do not expect it. I also enjoy reading what others write regardless if it is silly, filled with passion for a loved one or even for one that is not so loved.

[anim8rbear.livejournal.com]

I read your journal. Hope you decide to stay. But I'll tell you what. I'll make a commitment to try and respond more often if you do.

The whole concept of social networking is starting to show a certain level of user fatigue across the board. Lots of people are opting out of the experience. I still don't have a facebook account and never will.

I can also relate to your feelings as to "why" am I doing all of this when nothing ever seems to come out of it. Its almost as if journaling has become a source of entertainment for others. They get a glimpse into your life and they don't return the favor by commenting, initiating contact, or whatever. Those that stick around are usually those who have made the mental jump in their mind that its ok to talk even if no one is listening or if nobody comments. Add in the LJ interruptions since they got bought out and yah... LJ starts to wear on you.

So...what to do? I would guess you (and I kinda feel the same way you do about the subject) should use your feelings to get yourself back out into the world and put away the notion that social networking is going to expand your social circle. LIfe is always more interesting in the real world.

[holy13nation.livejournal.com]

I feel that LJ is better than most (certainly FB, which is vapid) but these are not places to be looking for or hoping to find friendship and support as commonly defined. Those two things can be found here. I certainly have. But, essentially, if they remain online they will always be bound by the distinct parameters that come with the territory.
To be really involved in LJ takes a lot of time. Posting at any length requires thought and time to write. Replying is much the same. I have been away from pc access for three days and come back to find many posts to be read. But I also have a partner who is unwell and projects I am involved in as well as basic day to day shit like bills for the start of the year yada yada. You know...stuff.
I'm sure that is the same for most people.
Certainly that is what I always assume when I post and there are no posts back or very few or...whatever.
LJ is real life at some remove filtered through however a person desires to be seen.
No one on LJ, however many posts of mine they may have read, can ever know me nor me them.
None of it is a reflection on you...or me..or him or...it is just the nature of the thing.
It is what it is.

[holy13nation.livejournal.com]

Just don't let it get you down.

[delko.livejournal.com]

Surprisingly, LJ meet up's in real life have been mostly disappointing for me. Sometimes, somebody's well crafted online persona is far more appealing than their real life.

There have been a few exceptions, James and Pablo, Shawn and Jeff are always fun to see while in TO (I hope to meet you the next time). Had a great time at an LJ picnic in SF a couple years ago, but I really did not know most of the folks so it just seemed more like a party to me.

Bear Pride, here is one of those huge opportunities to meet a bunch of LJ folks visiting, but it always turns out to be a group of twenty because of time restraints, when I really only wanted to hang out with one person. The chance to actually interact gets muted by the fact that everybody is competing. Can I bring a friend? My friend brought a friend, that friend brought a friend. Ugh, I don't know these people.

On the bright side, you do generate comments, something I have never been able to do, so you are doing something right.

[putzmeisterbear.livejournal.com]

I've really enjoyed getting to know you here. I would really miss you if you were to leave. Recently I stepped back form a lot of my online presence and found I really missed the semi-regular interactions with people I've grown fond of. So I'm getting back into my life here.

I would miss you a lot were you to leave.

[tonethbone.livejournal.com]

Blogging should not be a stressful thing. I have witnessed many folks "flame out"! over the years because they were not getting the reaction they expected. To them I say "lower your expectations"...or "stop blogging altogether".

Blogging may never replace friends that you see and hug and go to a movie with. This is not to say that you cannot make good friends blogging..or even meet a life mate... But only that it is what it is..and it is different things to different people for different reasons. I neither praise it or trash it. And I wlll use it until the fun is gone.

And here is another thing...sometimes I write nothing and simply enjoy peeking in on the lives of others. I learn to cook, I collect recipes, I appreciate good photograph, I get reviews of movies I have yet to see. All without writing a single word.

Unlike others, I do not "write for me ". When I make a post (which always starts off as private)..when I make it available to others, I do so because I want others to read what I write. But I don't obsess over comments either. Comments are something you get when you strike a nerve. Lack of comments doesn't mean people aren't reading or looking in...but merely that I haven't struck enough of a nerve for them to bother. I accept this as a fact of blogging life.

I have no answer for your hurt..( I wish I did ) other than to say, if it is not working for you...don't participate...and good luck.

[teddyb.livejournal.com]

Phil, I certainly share many of your frustrations with LiveJournal, but if you are abandoning this platform, I will miss you greatly.

We have not met in person, so if there were no LJ and if you never posted here, I would never have gotten to know you, in even this very limited way.

I know I would be a poorer man in that case.

If you do decide to completely abandon this venue, I hope I'll be able to stay in touch with you in some other way. I really would like to stay in touch, and hope that our paths will someday cross in person.

Big hugs to you in the meantime, bud.

[maxauburn.livejournal.com]

I would hate to see you go.

You're one of the good guys; you may not wear a white hat, but... ;)

Please stay. Don't go.

I know I have been remiss in calling you; no excuses. I need to do better.

I called an hour ago or so, and left a message.

[jfboyd.livejournal.com]

As someone who disappears periodically from the social networking scene and then pops up again later, I understand where you're coming from. I can't even begin to advise you on what you should do, hell I don't even know what I should do with my LJ half the time. And the Russian Mafia crap bothers me, too.

Having said that, I enjoy reading your posts but I'm down with whatever choice you make.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I always value our exchanges. I would miss hearing from you.

I don't know ... I make an effort to feel connected to my Live Journal friends every day. I just drove 600 miles to celebrate designerotter's birthday in Madison. I took Tim with me. We saw three other LJers, but I do know that I was the driving force behind the trip and the celebration. To me, it's worth it. Joe is a dear friend. Of course, I like travel .. and my friends in Madison do not. I know the reverse for my birthday in two weeks will not be the case. There will be no trips by my friends to Minneapolis. Yet, I will persist. I'll take connection in any form it comes ...

HUGS!

I can certainly understand how you feel, Phil.

[bonkishnurtaz.livejournal.com]

If you had decided to leave lj, i would certainly miss you. You and I have quite a few common interests and that is quite a rarity, overall. I will admit that I have not always responded to other postings as well. Unless, I feel that I can offer some kind of well thought out response, appropriate to the situation, I usually avoid it. I had felt that almost no one had been reading my blog back in the early spring of 2006. As a result, I had taken a 4 year break away from it. When I had finally returned in June, 2010, I had found that quite a few of my lj friends had either passed away, or had deleted their journals. Life appears to be quite a dynamic force, things change constantly in other individual's lives. I am for the most part, more static than others, things really do not change that much in my life, nor do I expect them to. Sometimes it seems as though I am only an observer or a voyeur, but certainly not a participator.

You have a different dynamic though. You have someone who cares about you and apparently quite a few friends who will miss you. For the most part, this is completely alien to me. Ultimately you must do what is
best for yourself. (((((HUGS)))))

[westendboy.livejournal.com]

Hi Phil,

I don't comment much... but I read your journal. And it makes me sad when you're dealing with some shit, and it makes me feel better when you feel better. Especially when you talk about you and Jeff. I think it's the "media", not the "social" that makes it feel this way - I feel this way too. All too familiar. The problem is, when you talk to somebody they don't have to say anything, but you do know they listen, and that's enough. When you write something, you know that other people will be reading, but it's not the same.

What I'm trying to say is that there are people who read you even without commenting much, and they care. They want to know what's happening with you.

Good luck my friend, no matter what you decide to do. Big hugs.
Ryan

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Phil,

I read your journal eagerly, you DO often have interesting things to say, I like the daily things one does day to day as much as the special things or topics like cars, antique or new (or one's obsession of them or of one make) or that trip one takes, whatever, as long as they don't take themselves too seriously or feel they are the all important grand poopah.

That said, I would be amiss of your ramblings at the garage of mayhem and your doings.

As for LJ, I don't comment as much and I'm finding I'm not post photos as much and part of that is, I've not taken as much either in recent months. I find LJ to be a place to blog/journal, but it also allows interactions too but I don't expect too much more than that, if I end up with friend out of it, fine, if not, fine too.

Social media has been billing itself as a way to meet others, and in some ways that's true, but more often than not, it doesn't even fulfill that promise most of the time.

[wrascalism.livejournal.com]

Hey Phil:

I can empathise with what you say. Ironically I joined LJ because I was feeling socially isolated and wishing I had a larger circle of acquaintances.

I grew up going to 13 different schools between Grades 1 to 12, so I certainly have a shyness to me. But thru this venue I've been able to explore more.

And I find the people I interact with here are interesting (you and Jeff included!) and have viewpoints I may not have considered.

I, too, will miss you if you leave.
HUGS!

[2stroker.livejournal.com]

I forgot one thing.It's the most important thing too.If you leave then there won't be anyone here who's into machinery ,carpentry,tools,and all those things that revolve around them . I would miss that greatly.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I sympathize to the ad pain (most say firefox with adblock cuts all the ads and video off) and the "is this real" social issue. I understand if you bolt, but will miss someone else who can speak in complete sentences.

I've suffered those same, or similar, social issues. I'm not yet sure what the solutions is, other than presence. Some sad things that lead to stable social interactions are being flexible and whorish with your standards for friends, or just being in the same places / activities on a regular basis.

As we get older and more segregated, and as fake online social interactions seem to satisfy so many (I point mostly to facebook on that one - I've actually met people and made friends from this place, though not much lately), I think there is just some adjusting to a humble reality of friendships that many are based in varying part on convenience. That's not necessarily horrible, but important to recognize.

I've had periods that were arguably friendless, but it's been pointed out to me "The only consistent feature in all your dissatisfying relationships is you." Thank you despair.com!

[redmoonriver.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what to say other than I'll miss you if you leave. Maybe that sounds trite but it's true. *HUGS*

[normalcyispasse.livejournal.com]

Understood. LJ has been going downhill. All I can hope is that the last one out turns off the lights.

[vernnyc.livejournal.com]

I would number among the people who would miss you if you were to leave. But at the same time I totally understand. Social media does not always deliver on the promises it makes when it uses terms like "friend". Yet it is possible to make friends online. I think I have done so. Some of them are people that I see regularly, others are far away so their blog is their telepresence.

But it is definitely important to have people you interact with in real time. I need to find that balance again, especially since we have been doing fewer and fewer Live Journal events out in the real world. And maybe that's what you're doing too. If so, please keep us up to date and certainly let us know if you're ever in town again and want to meet for coffee or something.

It would be great to seeya.