Who cares for the caretaker?
Jun. 14th, 2006 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greatbearSome may or may not have noticed an increase in posting frequency from me lately. I mean, going from a post every few weeks to several in one day is a huge delta. The reason for this, of course, is that I have been off of work periodically (unpaid, FMLA leave) taking care of Mom, and the PC is just too handy (I refuse to blog from work). Today was no different except for the fact that I had an appointment to see my doctor. I started feeling pain and cramping in my lower abdomen on the weekend. This came to a debilitating, sweating peak yesterday. Fearing that it might be a return of diverticulitis, I made an appointment for today to see the doctor. I have had this occur a total of four times, with the first occurrance resutling in a form of peritonitis, which nearly killed me. Anyway, I was surprised to find out this morning that I slept like a log throughout the night and the majority of pain was gone. Evidently what I had was either an irritation from something I ate, an intestinal bug that was circulating around work, or some sort of stress-related hell. And I have lots of stress in my life right now. Needless to say, I am happy that I was not taken down by my insides. I cannot afford to fall ill while I am taking care of Mom.
Stress has it's way of putting my various body system into 'full alert'. I dont sleep well, get very irritable and small things can set me off. Big things, however, can bring out a wrath that scares even me. This happened on the way of taking Mom for her treatments this morning. Some idiot in a Toyota minivan made a huge, unprovoked attempt to run me out of my lane. When I blocked this attempt with a followup of ABS-inducing brake usage one the guy was behind me, this shithead ended up in the left-turn lane. Sure, stay three lanes to the right when your next move in about 500 feet was to turn left. No, this guy pulled a holeshot on me when the light changed and essentially terrorized mom and I along the way. I was going insane, mom was alternating being pissed and fearing what I would do next. When a light changed and the van stopped ahead of me, I stormed out of the car with Mom begging me not to and had full intention of punching out the driver's side glass. This person must have sensed this and blew through the red light before I could get close. My only regret was that there was no one in the cross traffic for this shithead to take out. That would have made my day. I eventually caught up to the asshat who was bombing down the road trying to get away, and I managed to scare them into making a dumb evasive maneuver. I was incensed when I finally got to the oncology center, Mom was shaken, and I was regretting every minute of what just transpired. It seems even the National Institutes of Health have come up with a name for my condition: Intermittent Explosive Disorder. How convenient that the acronym is more familiarly used to describe an Iraqi 'improvised explosive device'. Given half the chance, I think I would be at least as destructive.
After the joyous trip to the oncology center, Mom had to endure an hour's wait before her treatment in a drafty, overly airconditioned waiting room. Hey, when I feel cold, it must be positively arctic to most people, let alone Mom, who is very susceptible to cool temps these days. Mom was shivering on the way out the door, and still exasperated from the ordeal. On the way home, we both lightened (and warmed) up. In fact, Mom thought about my almost-attack on the Toyota and actually started busting with pride. "You scared the shit out of that asshole!" she said, smiling. I am just glad at this point it did not go further, though she, like me, wished there was oncoming traffic. When one of her close friends called to check on her (this person is going to be the subject of a future post), she recounted the road rage incident and my near-attack. She was bragging! Good ol' Mom. Her friend said that seeing big ol' me stomping up in a rage would scare most anyone.
I soon had my trip to fulfill my doc appointment. Still exasperated with traffic and the near hour I had to endure in the waiting room I was curious as to what my blood pressure reading would be. 116/70. Woot. I bet it was a tad higher earlier that day.
I cannot afford to be sick, hurt or incarcerated for justifiable homicide of traffic idiots during these upcoming months. My family exists solely of Mom and I, with Jeff being the closest to me but distance-limited in PA. We rely on a few close friends of Mom's to check up on us and help where they can. We dont ask for or require such help, but it does fulfill an inherent need. Mom and I are alike in the fact thet we both tend to suffer in silence by preference. When I get sick, I dont like to have a lot of people around. I hate the thought of being a buzz-killer. Plus, I stubbornly remain independent when I can. It's my nature, and I know where I got it from.
Stress has it's way of putting my various body system into 'full alert'. I dont sleep well, get very irritable and small things can set me off. Big things, however, can bring out a wrath that scares even me. This happened on the way of taking Mom for her treatments this morning. Some idiot in a Toyota minivan made a huge, unprovoked attempt to run me out of my lane. When I blocked this attempt with a followup of ABS-inducing brake usage one the guy was behind me, this shithead ended up in the left-turn lane. Sure, stay three lanes to the right when your next move in about 500 feet was to turn left. No, this guy pulled a holeshot on me when the light changed and essentially terrorized mom and I along the way. I was going insane, mom was alternating being pissed and fearing what I would do next. When a light changed and the van stopped ahead of me, I stormed out of the car with Mom begging me not to and had full intention of punching out the driver's side glass. This person must have sensed this and blew through the red light before I could get close. My only regret was that there was no one in the cross traffic for this shithead to take out. That would have made my day. I eventually caught up to the asshat who was bombing down the road trying to get away, and I managed to scare them into making a dumb evasive maneuver. I was incensed when I finally got to the oncology center, Mom was shaken, and I was regretting every minute of what just transpired. It seems even the National Institutes of Health have come up with a name for my condition: Intermittent Explosive Disorder. How convenient that the acronym is more familiarly used to describe an Iraqi 'improvised explosive device'. Given half the chance, I think I would be at least as destructive.
After the joyous trip to the oncology center, Mom had to endure an hour's wait before her treatment in a drafty, overly airconditioned waiting room. Hey, when I feel cold, it must be positively arctic to most people, let alone Mom, who is very susceptible to cool temps these days. Mom was shivering on the way out the door, and still exasperated from the ordeal. On the way home, we both lightened (and warmed) up. In fact, Mom thought about my almost-attack on the Toyota and actually started busting with pride. "You scared the shit out of that asshole!" she said, smiling. I am just glad at this point it did not go further, though she, like me, wished there was oncoming traffic. When one of her close friends called to check on her (this person is going to be the subject of a future post), she recounted the road rage incident and my near-attack. She was bragging! Good ol' Mom. Her friend said that seeing big ol' me stomping up in a rage would scare most anyone.
I soon had my trip to fulfill my doc appointment. Still exasperated with traffic and the near hour I had to endure in the waiting room I was curious as to what my blood pressure reading would be. 116/70. Woot. I bet it was a tad higher earlier that day.
I cannot afford to be sick, hurt or incarcerated for justifiable homicide of traffic idiots during these upcoming months. My family exists solely of Mom and I, with Jeff being the closest to me but distance-limited in PA. We rely on a few close friends of Mom's to check up on us and help where they can. We dont ask for or require such help, but it does fulfill an inherent need. Mom and I are alike in the fact thet we both tend to suffer in silence by preference. When I get sick, I dont like to have a lot of people around. I hate the thought of being a buzz-killer. Plus, I stubbornly remain independent when I can. It's my nature, and I know where I got it from.
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 05:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 06:09 am (UTC)And remind me never to drive with you. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 06:23 am (UTC)I then returned to my bike, started it up and rode off.
Given what I look like, I hope she wet herself.
I've had people fly into an apparent rage when I've honked at them for doing something stupid or dangerous. I do my very best to keep people trying to gutterball* me from succeeding. Just imagine the chagrin some self-absorbed dorkwit in some expensive car feels when I beat his ass off the line in an unmodified Honda Civic.... ;)
*I think the same thing you mean by "holeshot" - trying to blast past you from a stop light in a lane they can't stay in; here, it's usually a curb lane that converts to parking.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 07:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 10:32 am (UTC)I think the fact that you are talking/venting/writing about it is a really good thing. I get so pissed off sometimes. Livid! Zero tolerance for anything remotely stupid or inconveinent. I am burning bridges fast in the South. Things like the long wait and cold you described above would have me in attack mode. My therapist helps with that. HUGS
PS NO one signals lane changes here. Everyone talks on cells and drives here too.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 12:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 02:49 pm (UTC)Give yourself a little slack. The expectations you've put on yourself are adding to your stress, and we love you too much - you need to find your dance space for all that stuff, I think. Use me, if you need to, to hold some of it for you. *hug*
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 04:11 pm (UTC)thanks for sharing.
if I may offer some advice, NJ traffic and drivers would likely provide many incidents that would trigger IED.
[hug]
no subject
Date: 2006-06-15 06:42 pm (UTC)If I had to venture a guess, there is rage and frustration building up inside of you because of her illness. You can't let it out on anyone, but it's got to come out somewhere. It's not so much just getting angry over some traffic mishap, it's just the cue that you can unleash the rage from a lot of things.
It's a hard thing you are living through. Nothing will make it any easier. I don't know what I'll be like when I have to do what you are doing.
My thoughts are with you.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-16 09:24 am (UTC)Respite for ALL
Date: 2006-06-18 09:58 pm (UTC)Respite is a MUST for any caregiver, or you will result in becoming a homicidal-road rage bubba. You need to take time for yoursel and not just so you can make your MD rounds or any other day to day living, but serious time to regroup. Take an afternoon off, get a massage, take a drive to your fave local area, just take time to regroup.
The years of working in Hospice showed me the importance of this. Take you time. Your mom will benefit as well as you.
Hang in there buddy!!!
hugs
the boys in Az