Trying to keep busy

[greatbear]

So, to try and keep my mind occupied I have been blasting my way through delayed and put-off home repairs and improvements. Not many know this, but I am actually quite adept at woodworking, having a rather enviable shop of tools and goodies amassed over my increasing years. Unlike some, though, I never really ended up with woodworking as a relaxing pasttime. I had always seen myself doing so someday, but instead, it's become one of my many abilities I call on when I need it, such as my latest fenestration foray and floor fixing foofaraw. While it might help me to stay grounded in some ways, it's not a guarantee.

For a moment I wondered why the saw table had some new rusty marks on it when I went into the shop tonight. Then I remembered crying my eyes out over the same table saw a few days ago.

Mom's beginning to slip away.

I have reached the point of being able to do what I can. It's gotten beyond me. Tomorrow I will talk to her doctor about starting home health care and hospice. She can no longer eat anything of substance. She's slowly wasting away, becoming more tired as each day passes. What really gets to me is seeing this strong-willed woman who has been, believe it or not, my primary role model in life slowly lose her abilities and gumption to this horrid disease. It really does rip my heart to complete shreds. So bad that it shows up as rusting stationary power tools.

You would not want to see how it shows up on me.

Comments

[fredneckteddy.livejournal.com]

You have my thoughts and prayers.....let me know if you need anything! HUGE BEAR HUGS

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Hugs Phil,

I know what you are going through. Having had cancer strike my family on four occasions since the early 90's. My Dad is so far the only victim and he left us in the fall of '98 and I have one sister who still suffers from it now and will always. Now if we can just control the seizures...

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

my heart goes out to you.

[envirobear.livejournal.com]

Phil, you've got a lot of LJ friends (and other friends, I'm very sure, along with your family of choice) who think a great deal about you. And we will bend over backwards to lend you any support we are capable of giving you. A big bearhug right now may not seem like much, but it's given with all sincerity....

[baloo-2u.livejournal.com]

I think you could just use a big hug right now.

And I thought of you yesterday when I heard this:

I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I don't know

You can surrender
Without a prayer
But never really pray
Pray without surrender

You can fight
Without ever winning
But never ever win
Without a fight



Message me anytime - baloo AT zoomtown DOT com.

[kjvbear.livejournal.com]

love you Phil.....I wish there were more I or anyone could do. Just know my thoughts are with you right now.

[barak.livejournal.com]

All I can do is listen and send you much energy. Hugs.

[le-lapin.livejournal.com]

[kymutt.livejournal.com]

How I wish there was somethin' I could do to ease your pain, good sir. Though I've not known you long, I count you as a friend, and hate to see friends hurt. *sighs*

[ptownnyc.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry

[thetarnishedowl.livejournal.com]

Home health and hospice (the "h" word as I put it in my journal last summer) can be a great help. They'll walk with you through this.

When my dad was in the same state, I imagined him straddling two worlds - taking his usual care to check out the new one before fully committing to it.

Everyone in my family read the book "Final Gifts" (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553378767/qid=1150858115/sr=1-6/ref=sr_1_6/002-2642790-7589653?s=books&v=glance&n=283155) by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley, who are both hospice nurses. We found it extremely helpful, useful, even comforting. I strongly recommend this book to you. And right now would be the right time to read it.

Big hugs, Phil.

[qbear.livejournal.com]

I know....

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[igzorp.livejournal.com]

Hugs Phil. I am sorry. Be strong for your Mom and yourself. Some tough times ahead. Let me know if I can do anything.

[theoctothorpe.livejournal.com]

It's best that she get the care that she requires. A good hospice will take good care of your mother, and look in on her often. Does she have friends as well? Make sure they visit as well. Friends tend to stick together when faced with adversity such as this.

My thoughts go out to you, and your mum.

[jrjarrett.livejournal.com]

:((

[in-fin-i-ty.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[clickboo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[carytown.livejournal.com]

Peace to you. I can't imagine what kind of pain you must be feeling. Your heart, the thing that is capable of such joy, is also capable of such pure agony, certainly pain worse than any physical sensation.

[beg1n.livejournal.com]

Sending you and your Mom much love Phil.

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

When my aunt died last spring, I went through hell. And I was angry at her - we had not been close for some time because of her feelings about my proclivities.

I cannot imagine going through this with someone for whom my love was unalloyed.

I love you so much, Phil. I wish I could help more. Just...just remember that someone out here will do anything he can for you. Including driving to Maryland from Ohio - or even just staying the fuck away. Anything you want - it's yours.

[bearlover.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[devcubber.livejournal.com]

*hugs and tears*

Hugs honey

[rockvillewoof.livejournal.com]

I don't have the words to say that don't come out seeming trite - just know you are loved by many and we'll all contribute our love and energy to helping you get through this time in your life. I feel the same about my own mom, and am so glad she is visiting me this weekend. I've not seen her since August!

Kisses,

Paul

not much else to add

[disccub.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about the deterioration of your Mom's health. From what I can gather from this and from prior posts, your Mom is still a strong person. She seems to have held on despite all of the health-related crap that has been thrown at her for as long as I have been reading your journal.

There is more of that strength in you than you think.

She will remain in my prayers.

[liftinmoose.livejournal.com]

I remember when my grandmother was dying. I was doing everything I can to make her feel better. But I made a big mistake the last moment I saw her. I was mad and I ignored her when she waved goodbye.

In hind sight, I think I tried too hard and I over extended my mental capacity. ow I realize that I didn't need to try at all. Just being there was all that mattered.

I hope the way she fights her disease also serve as a role model for how you'll fight her eventual passing.

*big moose hugs

[586bc.livejournal.com]

My thoughts and prayers are with you too.

[detailbear.livejournal.com]

It sounds very similar to my own story with my Mother. Good palliative care made her final time much easier for her, and therefore, for me. My number is in a recent post if you want to talk.

HUGS.

[signinginohio.livejournal.com]

Hey Phil...I'm here if you need me...I remember going thru this with my Dad so if you ever want an ear to talk to, I'm here. My prayers are with you Phil. Peace