Two weeks

[greatbear]

It's been two weeks. Already. Time apparently flies when one is also not having much fun. Mom's been gone for two weeks this day, and it has not been much easier. As for the 'caring of the caretaker', something odd and practically damaging seems to occur once that which the caretaker is caring for is no longer there.

Yeah, I miss Mom. Tremendously so. I feel lost, in some ways not unlike decades past where I'd become separated from her in one of those long-gone, multi-floor department stores. Other times I feel I have lost my best friend. And yes, I can't help but feel that I've had my entire family taken from me. All of these are valid feelings, of course, and I realise that. All part of the mourning process, which time will eventually heal.

I cannot help but notice how my usual behavior that accompanies those times that I feel frustrated/sad/helpless/preoccupied/etc is unusually amplified these past several days. One night I could not sleep, so instead I went into the basement and installed recessed lighting and ran wiring. I've been working on the house like crazy. I've been trying to finish started projects. I've done some silly things as well, like started on a new HTPC and bought a ceiling fan that costs over 1300 bux. This week was originally supposed to be spent in Provincetown for "Bear Week". Part of me wishes Jeff and I had still gone, but I know it's too early. I still have those moments of incredible sadness that crop up from nowhere, and they seem to trigger from the oddest things, if anything at all. Jeff and I did instead do 'P-Town Lite' by spending a day at Rehoboth on Monday. Since Jeff had put in for the time off during the week, he's spending it with me at home, and we are making the best of it. I was to return to work this week as well, but instead I am taking the vacation time too. It's definitely needed.

I must send out a heartfelt thank you to everyone who reads my LJ and sent comments, messages, cards and made calls. Like it or not, you've become my surrogate family. I honestly don't know what I would have done without this incredible support. It means the world to me. Without my group of friends, I am not sure what sort of crazy thing(s) I might have done (ceiling fan notwithstanding). You give me hope for the future and something/someone to look forward to. I can never thank you enough.

While I might feel alone and lost in my heart, there is a silver lining in all of it. Mom died on her terms, her way. She did not complain much at all, and I was there to make her last days as comfortable as possible. She died peacefully, in her own bed, not in some hospital or some other environment. It was just us two, the 'family'. She did not linger as some do in such incredible pain for weeks or months. She did what she was able to in tying up any loose ends that she felt she needed to. And most of all, she was continually assured by me that I would take care of myself and my life once she was gone. I had the best teacher in the world for that.

Mom, I love you.

Comments

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Hugs Phil.

Sorry to hear of her passing and I suspected she had or we'd have heard from you sooner.

It's sad to hear of someone loosing a loved one, most especially their mother, and whom were close to as well.

Keep your chin up and keep on moving and eventually over time, things will get better. I know, having lost my father back in 1998, it was not easy and I still dream about him from time to time, infact, he was present in my dream last night even.

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

Thank god.

Thank god you posted. I've been very worried about you, as one might expect.

I'm so glad you're still here, my friend. I love ya.

Thank god.

[holy13nation.livejournal.com]

just to say you're in the thoughts of someone who doesn't know you but wishes you as much good and comfort as is possible at this time. take care.

[stpbear.livejournal.com]

Hey bubba, I feel for you! Just realize that as time moves on you will heal.. She may be gone but definitely not forgotten. Use her memory as strength to get through this rough time. Big hugs and tugs to you... You are Never alone!!

[ptownnyc.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you are OK, even if you are in an understandably sad place.

Thanx for sharing that.

[thereisnofear.livejournal.com]

peace

[thetarnishedowl.livejournal.com]

Amazingly, infuriatingly, the sun will continue to rise each day. Take each day on its own terms.

Big hug.

[jkusters]

Wish I could offer more than just glowing letters on a monitor, but you have been in my thoughts. There's no rush to getting back to "normal", so take your time to process this in your individual way.

*HUGS*

JOhn.

[kymutt.livejournal.com]

Glad to see you back, Phil. As hard to believe as this may seem, you will be okay, in time. I can tell your Mom raised a strong, intelligent, carin' man. She'd want you to be okay. And you can always draw strength from your friends...*big Mutt-hugs*

[kdotdammit.livejournal.com]

Hang in there big guy. You're doing beautifully in expressing your feelings, allowing your grief a voice, and sharing your heart. Those things will help you get through this.

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

it's good to hear from you, Phil...

[danlmarmot.livejournal.com]

We're here for you Phil.

Hugs, and take care.

[excessor.livejournal.com]

You sound like you're doing well. I'm glad.

I'm approaching the same experience with my mom. I don't know how much time is left, but right now it seems sooner (weeks/months) rather than later (years). Your posts have helped me.

[m-f-patterson.livejournal.com]

"While I might feel alone and lost in my heart, there is a silver lining in all of it. Mom died on her terms, her way. She did not complain much at all, and I was there to make her last days as comfortable as possible. She died peacefully, in her own bed, not in some hospital or some other environment. It was just us two, the 'family'. She did not linger as some do in such incredible pain for weeks or months. She did what she was able to in tying up any loose ends that she felt she needed to. And most of all, she was continually assured by me that I would take care of myself and my life once she was gone. I had the best teacher in the world for that."

That is the most significant and profound statement. It speaks volumes about how dignity and self worth are so important in those times. In years to come, you will be able to look back, and be relieved that she had the oppertunity to pass on her terms and you had the oppertunity to join her in the journey. I know this, because I from time to time think back on my dad's passing 4yrs ago, and find solice in the same knowledge.

Take care friend,
Michael, Earl and Mark

[fjdbear.livejournal.com]

HUG

[devcubber.livejournal.com]

the silver lining you describe is beautiful...what a gift you gave her.

glad to hear you are taking some time off still, with Jeff at home. you still need to be caring for the caretaker, and it sounds like your brand of therapy, house projects and high-end fans, are doing the job.

My heart is still *pinging* for you.

[(Anonymous)]

*HUGS*

[in-fin-i-ty.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*
(I think I just left a hug and didn't realize I wasn't logged in. Oops!)
*HUGS*

[rockybear02.livejournal.com]

So glad to hear how you are doing Phil. You a very wise man. It is wondeful that you and Jeff had the opportunity to spend the week with each other.

One day at a time.

Warm Hugs

[globespan.livejournal.com]

Your closing paragraph brings me to tears.
I have always thought one can have many fathers, but there is only one mother. Sounds like your mother passed on with the utmost confidence in your ability to care for your self and move forward. You made her proud and for that I know she thanks you!
*Hugs*
John

[fuzzbearmark.livejournal.com]

continued warm thoughts n *Fuzzyhugs*

[bygbrat.livejournal.com]

your mom was very lucky to have a good friend like you. hugs.

[fredneckteddy.livejournal.com]

Phil,

You're not alone......you'll never be alone.....I'm surrounded by loved ones passed, for every minute of every day. Not to mention, you have people who genuinely care about you and are here for you whenever you need. *HUGE BEAR HUGS* buddy!

Aaron

[kjvbear.livejournal.com]

Phil, I wish I could be there right now to just hold you for a while. I have been thru this more than once and I know what you are going thru. I heard it said once that you have to live thru the pain.....I always thought that was exactly so true too. But in time that pain softens.....in the meantime know that so many of us are with you, maybe not in real time but in spirit. HUGS

[detailbear.livejournal.com]

"Being there" is the most important thing you can do for a loved one, whether you are physically there or not.

HUGS.