Two weeks

[greatbear]

It's been two weeks. Already. Time apparently flies when one is also not having much fun. Mom's been gone for two weeks this day, and it has not been much easier. As for the 'caring of the caretaker', something odd and practically damaging seems to occur once that which the caretaker is caring for is no longer there.

Yeah, I miss Mom. Tremendously so. I feel lost, in some ways not unlike decades past where I'd become separated from her in one of those long-gone, multi-floor department stores. Other times I feel I have lost my best friend. And yes, I can't help but feel that I've had my entire family taken from me. All of these are valid feelings, of course, and I realise that. All part of the mourning process, which time will eventually heal.

I cannot help but notice how my usual behavior that accompanies those times that I feel frustrated/sad/helpless/preoccupied/etc is unusually amplified these past several days. One night I could not sleep, so instead I went into the basement and installed recessed lighting and ran wiring. I've been working on the house like crazy. I've been trying to finish started projects. I've done some silly things as well, like started on a new HTPC and bought a ceiling fan that costs over 1300 bux. This week was originally supposed to be spent in Provincetown for "Bear Week". Part of me wishes Jeff and I had still gone, but I know it's too early. I still have those moments of incredible sadness that crop up from nowhere, and they seem to trigger from the oddest things, if anything at all. Jeff and I did instead do 'P-Town Lite' by spending a day at Rehoboth on Monday. Since Jeff had put in for the time off during the week, he's spending it with me at home, and we are making the best of it. I was to return to work this week as well, but instead I am taking the vacation time too. It's definitely needed.

I must send out a heartfelt thank you to everyone who reads my LJ and sent comments, messages, cards and made calls. Like it or not, you've become my surrogate family. I honestly don't know what I would have done without this incredible support. It means the world to me. Without my group of friends, I am not sure what sort of crazy thing(s) I might have done (ceiling fan notwithstanding). You give me hope for the future and something/someone to look forward to. I can never thank you enough.

While I might feel alone and lost in my heart, there is a silver lining in all of it. Mom died on her terms, her way. She did not complain much at all, and I was there to make her last days as comfortable as possible. She died peacefully, in her own bed, not in some hospital or some other environment. It was just us two, the 'family'. She did not linger as some do in such incredible pain for weeks or months. She did what she was able to in tying up any loose ends that she felt she needed to. And most of all, she was continually assured by me that I would take care of myself and my life once she was gone. I had the best teacher in the world for that.

Mom, I love you.

Comments

[m-f-patterson.livejournal.com]

"While I might feel alone and lost in my heart, there is a silver lining in all of it. Mom died on her terms, her way. She did not complain much at all, and I was there to make her last days as comfortable as possible. She died peacefully, in her own bed, not in some hospital or some other environment. It was just us two, the 'family'. She did not linger as some do in such incredible pain for weeks or months. She did what she was able to in tying up any loose ends that she felt she needed to. And most of all, she was continually assured by me that I would take care of myself and my life once she was gone. I had the best teacher in the world for that."

That is the most significant and profound statement. It speaks volumes about how dignity and self worth are so important in those times. In years to come, you will be able to look back, and be relieved that she had the oppertunity to pass on her terms and you had the oppertunity to join her in the journey. I know this, because I from time to time think back on my dad's passing 4yrs ago, and find solice in the same knowledge.

Take care friend,
Michael, Earl and Mark

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind words and understanding. I knew of nothing else to do, it just came naturally. In my heart I know I did everything right, but that still cant ease the shock of her being gone. Ultimately, these last several weeks will live on in my memories and comfort me through my years. You've been there, and know the deal.

Thanks guys, it means the world to me.

*hugs*