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greatbearSo, this evening I finally picked up the new truck. It's nice. Pretty paint, lots of goodies, great stereo, diesel engine that will throw you back in the seat yet the exhaust has no smell, etc. About an hour's time or less at the dealer and it is all mine.
Yet I am anything but excited about it. It's just 'there'.
As I have said many a time in this LJ, I am still dealing with the loss of Mom. Going through certain motions will remind me ever so clearly and inappropriately that she is no longer around. Much like the phenomenon of 'phantom limb pain' where an amputee can still feel sensations coming from a limb that no longer exists, I find the opposite to happen. So much of my life revolved around her and major events such as vehicle purchases were shared together. My brain is so wired around having her there, that certain things such as this is expecting the shared experience that when it is not to happen, I get this overwhelming negative feedback. It's like an error message the shows up as overwhelming sadness. Still, it helps me reconcile my loss and I get to feel her influence on me through all the years. So, the whole effect is not entirely bad, it is instead ever so softly lit in a warm light of comfort.
I am hoping that my enthusiasm builds up for this truck. The 'old me' would have been excited beyond belief. I am a big kid, after all, and I loves my toys, and this is an ultimate grown-up toy. But even the most grown up kid will miss his Mom, after all.
I'll take pictures of the new ride and post them soon.
Yet I am anything but excited about it. It's just 'there'.
As I have said many a time in this LJ, I am still dealing with the loss of Mom. Going through certain motions will remind me ever so clearly and inappropriately that she is no longer around. Much like the phenomenon of 'phantom limb pain' where an amputee can still feel sensations coming from a limb that no longer exists, I find the opposite to happen. So much of my life revolved around her and major events such as vehicle purchases were shared together. My brain is so wired around having her there, that certain things such as this is expecting the shared experience that when it is not to happen, I get this overwhelming negative feedback. It's like an error message the shows up as overwhelming sadness. Still, it helps me reconcile my loss and I get to feel her influence on me through all the years. So, the whole effect is not entirely bad, it is instead ever so softly lit in a warm light of comfort.
I am hoping that my enthusiasm builds up for this truck. The 'old me' would have been excited beyond belief. I am a big kid, after all, and I loves my toys, and this is an ultimate grown-up toy. But even the most grown up kid will miss his Mom, after all.
I'll take pictures of the new ride and post them soon.
