Truckin'

[greatbear]

So, this evening I finally picked up the new truck. It's nice. Pretty paint, lots of goodies, great stereo, diesel engine that will throw you back in the seat yet the exhaust has no smell, etc. About an hour's time or less at the dealer and it is all mine.

Yet I am anything but excited about it. It's just 'there'.

As I have said many a time in this LJ, I am still dealing with the loss of Mom. Going through certain motions will remind me ever so clearly and inappropriately that she is no longer around. Much like the phenomenon of 'phantom limb pain' where an amputee can still feel sensations coming from a limb that no longer exists, I find the opposite to happen. So much of my life revolved around her and major events such as vehicle purchases were shared together. My brain is so wired around having her there, that certain things such as this is expecting the shared experience that when it is not to happen, I get this overwhelming negative feedback. It's like an error message the shows up as overwhelming sadness. Still, it helps me reconcile my loss and I get to feel her influence on me through all the years. So, the whole effect is not entirely bad, it is instead ever so softly lit in a warm light of comfort.

I am hoping that my enthusiasm builds up for this truck. The 'old me' would have been excited beyond belief. I am a big kid, after all, and I loves my toys, and this is an ultimate grown-up toy. But even the most grown up kid will miss his Mom, after all.

I'll take pictures of the new ride and post them soon.

Comments

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I dont think anyone could, this is something that I have to 'experience' in order to mend. However, thoughts like yours do make a difference, if not directly. Thank you. :)

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Yeah, she was there in spirit I guess. Not a day goes by that I dont think lots about her. And before she went, she wanted me to be happy and not dwell on the loss. Even through everything she was going through, her main concern was me. I try to honor that always, but some pain is inevitable. I think she'd be pretty proud. I just have to take better care of the gardens.

[billbearoh.livejournal.com]

HUGS
Bill

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

congrats on the new baby...

[(Anonymous)]

First question why are your hands SLOPPY and Second....
The only BUTT your gonna be touchin is your own in the COLD shower sweet heart, dont make me scratch them eyes.
LOVE YA HON :)

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you Phil,

Like you, I'm still very close to my Mom and have often wondered how I will do once she passes on. Not any time soon I hope though.

Having lost my father 8, going on 9 years ago, I still dream about him at times, though not as often now as in the past. I was not always close to him but in the last five years of his life we did begin to make amends though.

Grief is a way of healing, it takes time to let go and move on, but one should never loose sight of the fact that while their loved one is no longer there in person, they are in spirit. Your Mom, as already been said, was with you in spirit, infact, may have influenced your decisions in some way during the transaction.

Speaking of, like all good things, there just comes a time when a machine or what gave you just wears out beyond even trying to keep it going.

[furr-a-bruin.livejournal.com]

It'll be 9 years this October that my Mom died; all I can tell you is that over time the pain does fade, if you let it. The mental habits shift - instead of thinking "I've got to tell Mom about this... crap" it turns more to "Mom would have been really amused/pissed/&c. by that!"

Big hugs....

[mfpatterson.livejournal.com]

Cheers for the new truck. I still fee for your loss, but it sounds like your working through it, in your own way. You'll be back to your "kid" side again.
BTW, this is Michael (m_f_patterson). New name, new journal.

[rockybear02.livejournal.com]

Wow Phil - I can't even imagine what you're going through. I think I'm pretty close with my folks - mostly my Mom. I know every new car the first thing I want to do is show it to her. To my Dad it's just a vehicle - to my Mom it's so much more. (Hell - how cool is my Mom - we went shopping for a new pickup for me in '99 and she came home with one) I can't even imagine what it is going to be like when my folks aren't around...

Big Ole Hug Phil - in person next week too.

[signinginohio.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel Phil, I still miss my Dad passing away. It was March 22nd , 2001 and I still sometimes think of things we use to do and wish he was here to enjoy them. The feeling are still there and will always be for me. Just gets a little more comforting now remembering all the good times we had together.