Mechanic humor
May. 21st, 2008 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greatbearThere are a fair number of mechanically inclined folks who tune into this space fairly regularly. I found a list of various mechanic's tools and machinery that also defines quite accurately what each one does. Unlike the neophyte's list which simply explains the purpose of each tool, this list is for the seasoned professional. Let's take a look and validate the list, shall we?
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
Pretty accurate, I must say. Does anyone have something they'd like to add?
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
Pretty accurate, I must say. Does anyone have something they'd like to add?
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no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 03:56 am (UTC)FLEXIBLE SHAFT MOTOR: a variable speed power tool used to slice the ends of your fingers off by spinning a piece of sheet metal caught by a drill bit.
STRAIGHT EDGE: a long, flat strip of metal used to poke around under your bench to find small parts that were flung there by your wire wheel.
LEVEL: used to draw straight lines across wood or metal with the point of a screw.
AWL: a pointed tool used to clean your fingernails.
SAFETY GOGGLES: makes a handy basket for small parts and tools when hanging from a hook on your workbench.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 04:14 am (UTC)And you are so right about drawing lines with a screw point.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 04:16 am (UTC)Oh, I could go on forever.
Date: 2008-05-22 03:59 am (UTC)U-JOINT EXTENSION: Once fitted by way of a socket onto a bolt, good for rotating only the ratchet in your hand.
WOBBLE SOCKET: Fantastic ratchet utility for increasing the awkwardness of torque angles.
PORTABLE HALOGEN LIGHT: Converts energy into illumination and heat at roughly the same ratio. Allows you to finally loosen that last bolt which flings your hand off the ratchet and into the light frame (which by now is roughly the same temperature as the surface of the sun) and convert your skin into instant blisters.
MECHANIC'S GLOVES: Use these to keep the engine oil safely between the palm of your hand and the glove so as not to unnecessarily dirty up the oil container.
MAGNETIC PICK-UP TOOL: What you buy to retrieve that bolt that has fallen into the recess that resembles a black hole on top of the transmission case of your motorcycle.
CLAW PICK-UP TOOL: What you buy to retrieve the magnetic pick-up tool once it, too, falls into the black hole on top of the transmission case of your motorcycle.
MOTORCYCLE: An expensive tool-disposal unit.
MULTIMETER: A fun tool to give cryptic readings when poking at wires.
FUSE PULLER: Often included in fuse kits, this is a cheap piece of plastic that will break as soon as you try to pull a fuse with it.
NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS: Used to pull fuses where the fuse puller fails, but always ends up in the black hole on top of the transmission case of your motorcycle.
WORK BENCH: Where you keep your tools before they end up in the black hole on top of the transmission case of your motorcycle.
OIL PAN: Useful for diverting the stream of oil around itself and all over the garage floor. When combined with mechanic's gloves, oil drain flow can actually defy gravity and end up on your ceiling. You will have a tough time explaining this to your wife later.
WIFE: An alarm clock without a snooze button. Often found saying, "Are you sure you can do this? It looks hard/dangerous/expensive. Why don't you hire a mechanic? Ewww, it's greasy out here! Don't come in the house with those hands! Why does it smell like gasoline?"
Re: Oh, I could go on forever.
Date: 2008-05-22 04:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 04:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 04:42 am (UTC)Talk about dark holes, try working in the engine compartment of a 92 Ford Ranger with a 4.0L V-6, it's tight in there. :-)
no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 05:02 am (UTC)European tools
Date: 2008-05-22 08:05 am (UTC)METRIC ADJUSTABLE SPANNER/WRENCH for those fancy European cars- NB use of the standard American Imperial Adjustable spanner/wrench will cause untold damage to difficult to obtain ie import only parts
MOLE GRIPS- sold singly- extremely useful spring loaded gripping device that you should probably have used about half an hour ago before you applied the WD40 and rounded off the rusted bolthead with the Whitworth socket. Grips applied to stubborn bolt will only be able to be rotated to a position where it is impossible to extract them from until bolt is returned to original position. Should you be fortunate enough to have a clear rotation path the grips will be impossible to remove from the extracted article until a second pair of grips has been purchased to unscrew the overtightened clamping screw Note: a third pair may be neccesary to release the second pair from the first leading many to beleive that they are sold as triple packs.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 09:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 11:32 am (UTC)LATHE: Fashion device for accessorising your clothes with sharp little cute curls of metal or wood
ANGLEGRINDER: Device only for making early 80's industrial band noises and destroy your hearing as if you actually WERE in Einsturzende Neubaten
VICE; Device for trapping fingers/and or hanging clothes/hair etc. Will 10 seconds after arriving from the shop warp out of alignment, meaning bits of wood are needed to 'grip' properly
no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 12:25 pm (UTC)Out of the garage
Date: 2008-05-22 02:29 pm (UTC)Ok, not as funny as yours, but I had to participate.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-22 06:50 pm (UTC)