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Jun. 17th, 2004 01:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greatbearI hate being injured/sick and weak.
The former usually begets the latter, but the effect is the same; I ache and generally feel uncomfortable in (often many) areas not involved in the injury, and I become moody, cranky and ultimately frustrated in my physical self.
I guess a bit of background is needed. Those who know me pretty well know that I am a rather independent sort, also I have a knack for tackling big projects. Couple those two aspects together and you have a guy who takes pride in big accomplishments that he does all by his lonesome. Quite often I am chastised for not asking for any sort of help. My reasons for this are twofold; I like things done a certain way, and if there is a problem, I know it was not the fault of someone else. My modest bragadoccio is that it is extremely rare if ever that I mess up on a project, and in those rare cases I know exactly what was done and needs to be changed. The chest-pumping part is when I can say I did (x) entirely by myself, where it may have ordinarily needed a couple people, if not a whole crew. It may take longer, but I know where all the time and effort was spent. I am proud of this ability, but even more I have a wonderful feeling of security and self-sufficiency in light of those abilities. Not to mention is has saved me countless thousands of dollars over the years by not having to seek 'professional' services.
I can delve into just about all things electronic and/or mechanical, figure them out, tear them apart and repair them, and have them back together in working order with no parts left over save for the defective stuff. I also tackle big things; construction (all aspects), mechanics, etc. Size of a project, whether it's working on something that already exists, or building something from the ground up has never really been an issue. I've said it before quite proudly that I built the house I am living in now (being GC as well as working on things directly) as well as engineered and built quite a few things for friends in the past. Of course, such big accomplishments were done with many people lending their hands in the construction (a group of friends building something lasting for another is something every person should experience).
Now I must confess to a bit of a guilty pleasure I have, and it is also part of what I wrote above. I like to show off my strength in subtle ways. For instance, when I take engine parts to the local machine shop, I usually trot the parts up the stairs and into the office instead of waiting around for someone to roll up the door at the ramp. People will bring heads, cranks, flywheels and other smaller items in the office. I leave them with engine blocks. They inevitably have to grab a hand truck to take the parts back in the shop. Likewise, when I pick up my finished stuff, by the time they have brought the hoist over, it's already sitting in the back of the truck. At my 'main' job, I watched three engineers struggle a big 250#-ish Raytheon power unit onto the service window counter. When they got done, I flipped it onto my shoulder and carried it back into the lab. That became a subject for those three guys to talk about the rest of the day, as I found out when I took the unit back to their site myself and asked where they wanted me to put it. Watching someone trying to pick something up that I had just put down and basically accusing me of bolting it down fast or picking up something that someone else can't is like a pasttime with a bit of fetish thrown in.
I admire physical strength. I love to partake in it as well as experience it first hand. Casual wrestling is fun, and can sometimes become quite erotic. Watching a huge guy work out at the gym is a turn-on sometimes, as is using a guy's max weight as my warmup. Let's face it, I have a big-time muscle fetish (as if that is a news flash to some people who know me).
In February of 2000, I was involved in a very nasty accident which busted up my shoulder as well as permanently detached my collarbone. Subsequently, I was unable to engage in any physical activity at all for the first six months or so, and only modest amounts afterwards. It wasn't till late in 2002 that I was able to really get back to some of the work I like doing, as well as some weightlifting. My time was spent catching up on repairs and upgrades to the house, trotting bundles of shingles onto the roof, hanging sheetrock, etc. Stuff definitely felt heavier than before the accident, but I was coming back with a vengeance. It felt good to be giving my usual off-the-ground bearhugs to my friends as well as doing things I enjoy around the house and garage.
Thanksgiving of last year is when I experienced yet another setback injury. I tore a muscle in my back and was practically bedridden for a couple months while it healed, however, the doctor kept me on work restrictions for a much longer period after, which kept me out of work due to policy reasons. Bummage. Even worse was finding out that mom had contracted lung cancer, and the time spent taking care of her and seeing what the treatments and surgery were doing was only adding to my feelings of inadequacy. I do look to it as a blessing in disguise however, since it allowed me plenty of time to take care of her and keep her company during the time she's been dealing with this. She and I are alike in that we can't stand not being able to take care of ourselves and do the things we like doing. It was a double whammy of two people mulling about in their misfortunes. Not good.
Being unable to do things I enjoy and/or being unable to work out frustrations puts me in a mental and physical funk, which tends to make me not want to do those things I enjoy, and the vicious circle keeps going around. I tend to retreat into my own little space, where I ultimately recharge over time. Unfortunately, some see this as shutting others out of my life. Perhaps it is, but I'd much rather work on my own issues privately, taking in the occasional helping hand or good vibes sent my way. It finally occured to me that in all of my various titanic undertakings that I go solo on, it's my own self that is sometimes the biggest project of all.
I'm hoping that as this year progresses things will turn around, as my mental state tends to carry my physical self with it. Some indicators are already starting to show, I believe, and I plan on lifting myself up along with it.
Thanks for listening. :)
The former usually begets the latter, but the effect is the same; I ache and generally feel uncomfortable in (often many) areas not involved in the injury, and I become moody, cranky and ultimately frustrated in my physical self.
I guess a bit of background is needed. Those who know me pretty well know that I am a rather independent sort, also I have a knack for tackling big projects. Couple those two aspects together and you have a guy who takes pride in big accomplishments that he does all by his lonesome. Quite often I am chastised for not asking for any sort of help. My reasons for this are twofold; I like things done a certain way, and if there is a problem, I know it was not the fault of someone else. My modest bragadoccio is that it is extremely rare if ever that I mess up on a project, and in those rare cases I know exactly what was done and needs to be changed. The chest-pumping part is when I can say I did (x) entirely by myself, where it may have ordinarily needed a couple people, if not a whole crew. It may take longer, but I know where all the time and effort was spent. I am proud of this ability, but even more I have a wonderful feeling of security and self-sufficiency in light of those abilities. Not to mention is has saved me countless thousands of dollars over the years by not having to seek 'professional' services.
I can delve into just about all things electronic and/or mechanical, figure them out, tear them apart and repair them, and have them back together in working order with no parts left over save for the defective stuff. I also tackle big things; construction (all aspects), mechanics, etc. Size of a project, whether it's working on something that already exists, or building something from the ground up has never really been an issue. I've said it before quite proudly that I built the house I am living in now (being GC as well as working on things directly) as well as engineered and built quite a few things for friends in the past. Of course, such big accomplishments were done with many people lending their hands in the construction (a group of friends building something lasting for another is something every person should experience).
Now I must confess to a bit of a guilty pleasure I have, and it is also part of what I wrote above. I like to show off my strength in subtle ways. For instance, when I take engine parts to the local machine shop, I usually trot the parts up the stairs and into the office instead of waiting around for someone to roll up the door at the ramp. People will bring heads, cranks, flywheels and other smaller items in the office. I leave them with engine blocks. They inevitably have to grab a hand truck to take the parts back in the shop. Likewise, when I pick up my finished stuff, by the time they have brought the hoist over, it's already sitting in the back of the truck. At my 'main' job, I watched three engineers struggle a big 250#-ish Raytheon power unit onto the service window counter. When they got done, I flipped it onto my shoulder and carried it back into the lab. That became a subject for those three guys to talk about the rest of the day, as I found out when I took the unit back to their site myself and asked where they wanted me to put it. Watching someone trying to pick something up that I had just put down and basically accusing me of bolting it down fast or picking up something that someone else can't is like a pasttime with a bit of fetish thrown in.
I admire physical strength. I love to partake in it as well as experience it first hand. Casual wrestling is fun, and can sometimes become quite erotic. Watching a huge guy work out at the gym is a turn-on sometimes, as is using a guy's max weight as my warmup. Let's face it, I have a big-time muscle fetish (as if that is a news flash to some people who know me).
In February of 2000, I was involved in a very nasty accident which busted up my shoulder as well as permanently detached my collarbone. Subsequently, I was unable to engage in any physical activity at all for the first six months or so, and only modest amounts afterwards. It wasn't till late in 2002 that I was able to really get back to some of the work I like doing, as well as some weightlifting. My time was spent catching up on repairs and upgrades to the house, trotting bundles of shingles onto the roof, hanging sheetrock, etc. Stuff definitely felt heavier than before the accident, but I was coming back with a vengeance. It felt good to be giving my usual off-the-ground bearhugs to my friends as well as doing things I enjoy around the house and garage.
Thanksgiving of last year is when I experienced yet another setback injury. I tore a muscle in my back and was practically bedridden for a couple months while it healed, however, the doctor kept me on work restrictions for a much longer period after, which kept me out of work due to policy reasons. Bummage. Even worse was finding out that mom had contracted lung cancer, and the time spent taking care of her and seeing what the treatments and surgery were doing was only adding to my feelings of inadequacy. I do look to it as a blessing in disguise however, since it allowed me plenty of time to take care of her and keep her company during the time she's been dealing with this. She and I are alike in that we can't stand not being able to take care of ourselves and do the things we like doing. It was a double whammy of two people mulling about in their misfortunes. Not good.
Being unable to do things I enjoy and/or being unable to work out frustrations puts me in a mental and physical funk, which tends to make me not want to do those things I enjoy, and the vicious circle keeps going around. I tend to retreat into my own little space, where I ultimately recharge over time. Unfortunately, some see this as shutting others out of my life. Perhaps it is, but I'd much rather work on my own issues privately, taking in the occasional helping hand or good vibes sent my way. It finally occured to me that in all of my various titanic undertakings that I go solo on, it's my own self that is sometimes the biggest project of all.
I'm hoping that as this year progresses things will turn around, as my mental state tends to carry my physical self with it. Some indicators are already starting to show, I believe, and I plan on lifting myself up along with it.
Thanks for listening. :)
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 07:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 07:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:40 pm (UTC)*hugz*
no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 07:59 pm (UTC)I hope the rest of this year brings you happiness Phil...you certainly deserve it.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-19 07:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 09:18 pm (UTC)Now I understand some of your previous postings as well. Based on what you've written above, I'd say you have a good perspective.
Last summer my mom was diagnosed with cancer, too, and of her three sons, I spent the most time making sure that she was taken care of. She, too, is very independent and hates not doing things for herself. When I visited her last week, we agreed that one of the lessons we'd both learned was that accepting help is one of the hardest things to do, but that doing so helped us grow and strengthened other relationships. It was well worth doing. It sounds like you might be near a similar conclusion. Revel in it. It's an important lesson.
I'm glad you wrote this post. I have a better understanding of who you are.
And I'm still envious of your ability to build things.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:28 pm (UTC)It sounds like you and I have travelled similar roads. Thanks so much for sharing that with me. I wish her and you the best. For a long time too.
*hugz*
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Date: 2004-06-18 01:09 am (UTC)(HUG) If there's something I can do to help, name it.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 03:18 am (UTC)Sending you big mental hugs!
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:31 pm (UTC)Bouyed by kind word and good vibes like you offer only helps it to me more effective. Thanks.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 06:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:32 pm (UTC)*hugz*
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Date: 2004-06-18 07:52 am (UTC)*HUGS*
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Date: 2004-06-18 08:33 pm (UTC)Thanks for the good vibes. They definitely help.
*hugz*
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Date: 2004-06-18 07:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:34 pm (UTC)Back atcha, big guy.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 08:38 pm (UTC)Thanks!