Camping hell

[greatbear]

It is "Illuminations" weekend at Hillside. It's a weekend that Jeff and I loved to attend, but rarely could simply because it's the most popular weekend by far, and by the time we get in for reservations, all the good sites (or in our case, the couple sites we can fit our trailer into) are snapped up. This year, however, luck was with us, and we managed to get our usual spot for this weekend. We were excited. Of course, as the time between making reservations (beginning in March) and this weekend, my health took a nosedive with the spinal stenosis diagnosis, but I've tried my best to make use of our time and not lose our deposits. Well, I think I overplayed my hand. Or my spine, in this case. We bagged last weekend's trip because I had a procedure done and I did not think I'd be ready. No improvement was made since, but we just had to come to see the spectacle here for the first time in over 5 years. I did my best at helping decorate the site and when evening fell and the lights came up, we started our trek. I collapsed not more than 15 sluggish minutes into it and had to come back to our campsite.

This is why I am here inside the camper with a fucking laptop instead of being out and around, much less even simply sitting outside watching the people. I am so fucking fed up with this, I'm pretty sure the last chance at shots coming up will do absolutely nothing and the surgery (a laminectomy) that follows will leave me a worthless lump until the 6-8 week projected recovery period passes, and even then there is no guarantee that I will be near normal in terms of mobility. Tonight the nosedive was literal, and the pain, spasms and collapsing will only be getting worse. After we return home tomorrow and the week progresses with doc appointments and such, I will try to apply for another temporary handicapped parking pass, something I was too stubborn to do this time but have no choice now. I can barely get around anymore, and I don't hold too much hope for it to return to the effortless past as far as abilities go. Yeah, I'm rambling, but honestly, I've had enough. I'm staying away from friends and socializing for the foreseeable future, I don't need more humiliation than I experienced tonight.

Comments

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear things aren't getting any better for you.

Let's hope things DO improve for you in some fashion and I'd wager any improvement is better than no improvement, right?

[badgerpdx.livejournal.com]

Keep in touch...and don't lock out your friends... Trust me on this one...They make things so much better when the going gets tough. They'll want to be there for you, and in the long run, you will be so appreciative.

[maxauburn.livejournal.com]

"Don't surround yourself with yourself."

Yes said that.

Don't shut yourself in because you are in pain and mobility is a big issue. Friends can help you through most anything, just by being there.

I said that.

[kjvbear.livejournal.com]

damn Phil, sorry to hear about this.

[arktos62.livejournal.com]

I'm terribly sorry to hear this, and I do hope things improve. Don't forget, you can ramble on here as long as you want ;-)

[wlscbone.livejournal.com]

(random commenter here - found you through moved)

I'm really sorry to hear about your pain. And it sucks to feel as though you can't do things for yourself or you are less self-reliant than you want to be.
I echo what others here have said - don't shut your friends out or be afraid to ask for help. There is nothing shameful in knowing your own limitations and being willing to ask for assistance. It takes a great deal of self awareness and intelligence to do those things.

And speaking from being in the friend's shoes - if they are truly your friend they will want to help, and giving them that opportunity is good for both of you.

[theoctothorpe.livejournal.com]

I love you.

FIGHT!

[kymutt.livejournal.com]

I could tell you that I'm sorry for what you're goin' through. That wouldn't be a lie, because I am. But I won't, because it's not strong enough to express my sympathy for what you're endurin'. We've not spoken often, but when we have you've made my world better for knowin' you. It hurts my heart, worse than it's already hurtin', to know you're sufferin' right now. If I can help, in any way, please let me know.

[rockybear02.livejournal.com]

Phil I am so sorry to hear how much pain you're in. AND please know that anyone that is your friend would not use the word humiliation in this case. We only want to see you feel better and for you to be happy.

Please hang in there OK? We are all pulling for you.

what they said

[disccub.livejournal.com]

I echo the sentiments expressed by the others. When you are with friends, it is not humiliation - its just being with friends. Its hard sometimes to accept one's limitation (temporary or otherwise). Your friends accept you for who you are - not who you were.

I am confident that you will pull through this temporary set back.

Mike

Spinal Stenosis

[swampgrizzly.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to be hearing of your struggles with spinal stenosis. I know you're not having fun. I hope the surgery helps. My experience with your health problem came via my mother. She struggled with it and lived to the age of 88! She managed to walk on her own for most of her life, with a cane a good number of senior years, and a rolling walker for the last 4 or 5 years. She never had surgery, but did take various medications, shots, pain patches, and finally morphine in her final year to 18 months. Doctors encouraged her not to use powered lift chairs/recliners until the last few years so she would continue to maintain and use the muscles need to get up and then to walking. In her last 4/5 years she began using a wheel chair when leaving her home where she would have needed to walk long distances. She walked in her home with the walker up to the last 2 weeks of her life, when she just couldn't anymore.

I hope you are able to get assistance from the surgery or whatever else may come about in the way of treatments. Whatever happens be assured that one can live a pretty full life, in many ways, if you keep pushing yourself in using your body muscles and joints. Doctors were always amazed that my mother could walk, way before she became a really old senior citizen! Every doctor, and she saw lots of them, honestly reflected with her and me that while her struggles were difficult it was still a better life for her and the family going through spinal stenosis and rheumatoid arthritis versus some cancers or alzheimers for example. Mother's mental sharpness stayed with her to the end.

I encourage you to keep pushing yourself to maintain muscle strength. It should hopefully payoff as it did for my mother. I hope the best for you!

James

[msclwolf.livejournal.com]

Ditto on what everyone has said but also those who are your friends and who are able should be coming to visit YOU re socialising and there should be no humiliation where friends are concerned and by lord I will haul my ass to see you if need be to prove a point! ........or does that make me sound like a real stubborn ass! LOL