Unhappy camper

[greatbear]

I've not been posting much around these parts for fear that it would be filled with the typical downer screed of recent entries. Suffice it to say, I've been trying my best to make good out of a bad situation, and, frankly, it's finally started to wear me down. This past weekend was our last camping trip of the summer. Jeff was stuck working, so I managed to load up the stuff into the truck, fetched the trailer then headed on up to Hillside for the final time of the year. THis time it was a bit different, since we had guests already staying on the site earlier in the week and had been awaiting our arrival. I had a bunch of wonderful help in getting set up, once that was done, however, I was in so much pain I was miserable, and that fact was not lost among my fellow campers. Since I was not going to take any of my Rush Limbaugh feelgood pills before piloting nearly 50 feet and six tons of truck and trailer a couple hundred miles with a crazy dog in my lap for fear of falling asleep at the wheel (the damn stuff knocks me out), by the time I had arrived, set up and tried to unwind, I was a twitchy, pain-addled mess. Once I popped the pills and stretched out, I eventually felt a bit more comfortable and enjoyed my company. We all turned in early that night, and I was blessed with Hillside's eerie silence before the weekend people began to show up. The 'contin makes me have strange, often extremely entertaining dreams of a vivid nature that make Yellow Submarine seem like a budget planning meeting by comparison. The very cool (mid-40s!) nights made sleeping more like hibernating, only adding to the psychedelia.

Jeff came down the next day after having to work on his day off (sound familiar?), and he joined us in the evening before dinner. He was having his own pain issues as well, but we made the best of it. I was stuck hanging around the campsite again, though I did make one trek up the hill to the afternoon party on Saturday, but did not stay long. I'm sure I missed out on seeing some folk, I hope to see them again in the future when I'm not such an invalid. The weekend overall was positive for me, but I know I was being quite antisocial despite my efforts to the contrary. I just don't do well around friends or crowds when I am ailing. And since this condition has kept on progressing for the worst, I'm pretty much Groucho Grouchy McGroucherson (nee Crankypants).

I sense that Jeff is finally starting to tire of my condition as well, and even my ability to make use of my time is starting to fade. Slowing down like this puts me into a deeper funk, and I mostly wander off now just to minimize my effect on others. I'm still waiting for a time for my unavoidable surgery, which has become more involved than originally planned. The laminectomy that was to be performed on a single vertebra has been increased in scope to the L4, L5 and T1 segments, for a total of three. While I am being reassured that I will maintain most if not all of my mobility/abilities, something tells me that having not just one, but three consecutive sections of bone removed leaving the muscles unattached to anything but themselves leads me to believe that a lot of what I was able to do as a young punk is now firmly in the past. Time will tell, of course, and anything would be better than what I am currently experiencing. My bruised shins from stumbling and falling are outward evidence that life is not all peaches and Mayhem anymore. Jeff had tickets for the Penn State opener next weekend, He sent them away, hopefully to be used. I know he was looking forward to this game, but dragging me along to is was probably going to be an exercise in (more) futility for him. I feel awful for that, and I really wish I could crawl under a rock.

I will manage all of this in some way. Having my finances now firmly below the poverty level will add another layer of stress. At least it's not zero. Yet. Now all I have to do is try and get the medical end of it all in gear. Things move at a glacial pace for some reason. All I wish for is for this to be over and a return to normalcy in my life.

Comments

[mcbulldawg.livejournal.com]

Oh you dear sweet man.

I feel your pain and offer you hugs and prayers.

I hope things turn around for you and you are able to sail on calmer seas soon.

HUGS!!!!!

[artistik1.livejournal.com]

I think you should check out my partners blog on here...he goes by dodgingwndshlds...he talks a lot about disability issues since he uses a wheelchair...hugs to you!

Hi Phil, I am very sorry to hear this! ((((HUGS))))

[bonkishnurtaz.livejournal.com]

I wish that there was some kind of minimally evasive surgery to help alleviate your pain. Is there nothing that laser spinal surgery can do? ((((HUGS))))

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I hope it gets sorted out and that the surgery happens sooner than later. I wish you relief from the pain ... and from the depression. I spoke with my mother last night. Her orthopedic surgeon insisted she do a nerve test before he'd schedule her 5th back surgery. It happened yesterday and evidently, it was painful.

The results show the need for the procedure. Mom has recovered from the previous surgeries and regained a lot of mobility and was free of pain, so I am hopeful that she can be again. (This time two discs are shifting and pressing down on the nerves that control the upper leg muscles, thus causing her falls.)

May you get your mobility back, my friend, and make the most of it.

HUGS!

peaches and mayhem

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

snips and snails and puppydog tails... we know what you're made of.

Feel free to vent here.

stay strong.

*ULTRA-HUGS*

[maxauburn.livejournal.com]

What you are going through sounds rough.

I wish I could do something to help!

I'm in your corner, rooting for you to beat this thing and be able to go on with the things you love to do...fixing & building stuff.

*ULTRA-HUGS*

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

You poor dear...

So sorry to hear that you are having back issues and thus it's affecting your doing things.

I DO hope you can get the necessary paperwork etc done so you can at least take temporary disability leave to get this done and recover and hopefully be able to get back on your feet again.

Hugs and good luck.

I understand

[disccub.livejournal.com]

While I have not gone through the same physical problems that you have, I can share with you a perspective of the people I know who share a medical diagnosis that manifests itself differently for each person. As a result of your condition, with your back, you develop a different definition of "normal". Adjustments will be made in your lifestyle to take into account what you can and can not do. Those adjustments will change the parameters of what a normal day for you will be.

Substantial changes in finances also redefine normal as well. For example, I no longer have any credit cards (and no credit card debt). This means I am not able to travel as much as I have in the past (can't just charge airline tickets any more). I have to live well below my means to make sure I have enough money in the event of an emergency.

Life is fluid. We are all in different boats, but on the same river.

Hugs.

[notdefined.livejournal.com]

Whoa, removed!?!?!?! Not fused??? That is taking 2.5-3" out of your back. I didn't know that type of thing could be done. Hopefully they will at least put some sort of a replacement (spacers, shims, etc.) in there. Baby, stay strong, relief is on the way. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Hugs.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Boy, I'm still catching up here!

The operation does not entail removing the discs as would be done with "fusing", instead the section aft of the spinal cord will have a section removed to give more room for the spinal cord itself. I need to post some graphics and an explanation of what will happen.

[bygbrat.livejournal.com]

big big hugs!

my mother has spinal stenosis and will not have surgery or take pain meds. when i am visiting her, i make her get in the wheelchair and come with me everywhere i go. i don't mind pushing her around and it gets her out of the room. she hated it at first but now i think she enjoys it.

[wrascalism.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty impressed with how well you seem to be managing now. I think I'd might be a sodding mess.

HUGS!

[2stroker.livejournal.com]

You hang on buddy.At some point in the near future this will be behind you and your life will get better.I'll be sending you as much positive energy as I can and my thoughts are with you.

[rockybear02.livejournal.com]

You know we all love you Phil.

Hang in there - things will get better - you can't loose hope.

Big hugs

[beastbriskett.livejournal.com]

You're right to post when you feel it. Sure helps to get these things outside for a while, and air them out. I've hidden a lot as well, and it diminishes our journals in subtle ways. Thanks for filling in the gaps.
Getting out to Hillside was a good thing it seems, even with the difficulty. You got to spend some time in the outdoors, hang with folks, do something ELSE for a change. I'm so glad you sent the summer out with a little fun! (and yeah, I'm just the teeniest bit jealous)

Your planned surgery sounds mighty severe. Even tough bears balk at that slicey stuff, so I hope your docs do you right. Our bodies have a lot of redundancy, and once the damage is mitigated, there's a good chance your mobility will rebound. Hang on, bud. Your friends are with ya.

[clintswan.livejournal.com]

*sending you energy & pain relief*

[msclwolf.livejournal.com]

er.... what they all said, and then some (hugs) doubt there is anything I can do to help, but if you think of anything let me kknnooowwwwww :)