Goodbye is never easy

[greatbear]

Well, earlier this evening I deleted my journal. Why? I dont see it as much more than unecessary bytes clogging up a server somewhere. My life and health have taken so many downturns of late and it's not in my nature to drag others down with it. I've remained silent for a while with nothing to say, feeling that old adage that if one has nothing nice to say, one should not say anything. I found the big switch and I threw it, shutting this thing off for good. Or so I thought.

I just clicked up my 'friends' journal bookmark like I do at least once daily, and I was 404'd. By deleting my own journal, of course, so went my list of friends and all of their combined journal entries that I have become so accustomed to. My means of living vicariously through the words, sounds and pictures of others was eliminated with my own journal. So there began my quandary.

I have made a lot of friends through this medium, the majority of which I have never met personally, but in some ways I feel I have though their heartfelt writings. I never want to discard a friendship, real or virtual. By deleting this, I feel I am. I also feel like I am turning my back on these very fine individuals some of whom have sought my advice, etc. I cant do that.

My best analogy of all this is like watching my friends playing outside, through the window from inside my room. Yes, I want so much to go out and play, but I just cant. But I hold no grudges, instead I smile and laugh along with everyone outside, while peering through the blinds. You dont see this, you are too busy having fun, there is just an occasional tilt of the blinds that shows it happening from the outside.

So, at least for now, I leave it at this. I have no idea if I will ever post in my own journal again or not. Perhaps if I have some really good news, or if my life and my moods eventually take a turn for the better. I will probably leave a comment or two here and there, but I think that may be it. Feel free to 'defriend' me if you wish, I will take that as a sign to leave you alone. Otherwise, occasionally look up to that window with the blinds drawn, and wave.

My best to all of you.

Phil

Comments

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

I'll miss you nena. Don't be a stranger~!

[fredneckteddy.livejournal.com]

My god talk to me!!!!! atsbear123@yahoo.com or call me!

[progbear.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you're going through a tough time. Personally, I find writing about my feelings truly cathartic, particularly as I find it far easier than actually talking about such things. As such, I've written about things in my LJ that I'd never actually verbalized before. It's very revelatory. I've learned a lot about myself. Well, not really, but I have opened up about a lot of stuff I've kept very hidden up till now.

I'm glad you decided not to delete your journal, because reading what you have to say is always a pleasure. Get to feeling better, and if you feel like talking about it, we're always here to offer support. *hugs*

[hypertwink.livejournal.com]

Hope to see you writing here again.

[madhugger.livejournal.com]

Although I have rarely, if ever, commented on your journal I have enjoyed what you have to say. After years of chatting with you in gay.com it was nice to have a more personal snapshot at your world. I will miss your anecdotes on your life but fully understand the need to step away from the table.

I too have had a very troubling year (or more) and have posted little about what I have really been feeling or thinking. Maybe I am not brave enough or just feel that some things are still far too private to share in such a manner - maybe in time I will reflect back on this time and have something to say about it.

Wish you the best and hope that you may pop in from time to time when you have something to share.

BIG HUGS!

[texaspenguin.livejournal.com]

Nooo! I love reading your entries. They're so heartfelt, full of emotion, and well thought out. It's rare to find that these days.

Stay on your own volition, before I wrap this studded leather collar around your neck and leash you to my front porch.

[lfkbear.livejournal.com]

I have been where you are. In fact, I still go there on a regular basis. It's hard to find a way to mend that disconnect. But it's possible. Not leaving LJ completely is a good way to begin.

If you ever need a new friend to talk with, please find me.

HUGS

[clickboo.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going so well... I can understand about needing time away from LJ... But don't delete your journal as you may want to come back to it.

Take care, and perhaps we can meet up in real life sometime... And I'll be sure to wave at those blinds, hoping that they might open again.

What they said...

[vernnyc.livejournal.com]

Sometimes having a journal helps. So, even if you decide not to do an LJ, a plain notebook or a bound journal may be a good idea. Good luckl and godspeed.

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

I have read your entry on June 17th several times. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees the inner strength in the strongman. Unnecessary bytes? I disagree.

Don't say goodbye, how about "See You Later"

[disccub.livejournal.com]

It is with a heavy heart that I read about your intended departure from the LJ world (even as a partial disconnect). In my limited experience, LJ has allowed me to connect with people both locally and across the country that I would never have had any contact with otherwise. I have only met a few people in person, but I feel that I have come to know a few people through LJ. I understand that you have been going through a lot lately personally and with your mother. When you are ready to rejoin the LJ world, we will welcome you back into it.

Please don't think of it as a window that your are looking through at us "at play". It's more like a sliding glass door. Anytime you want to come out and join us (even those of use who are hanging out at the edges of the crowd), just open the door and come on out (again) and join us. You are always welcome.

- Mike

[clintswan.livejournal.com]

stick around and read away my friend

*hug*

[beg1n.livejournal.com]

I'm happy you decided to keep your journal in tact. I have a few people on my list (you included) that I don't know if I would have ever met if not through LJ, and I have sincerely enjoyed reading your posts.

I find it comforting to know you will check in with us on occasion...and maybe one of these days we'll actually cross paths.

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

Do what you must, Phil, as always. Just don't lose track of us completely, k?

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

These online interactions are hard to know how to integrate into our normal lives, especially when we're hurting. I should say that I've been tempted to bag LJ several times myself. And then I think of something you or someone else said that gave me a lift, even though I can't hang out with everyone in person and intimately the way I might like to, and I stick around.

It's really about what's best for you. Purely for my own benefit, I hope you can find a way to stay. But what would be best for me is to know that you're taking the best care of yourself you can.

Big hugs.

[kspsibear.livejournal.com]

Phil,
I noticed last night that you'd deleted your journal. I'm happy to see you back in whatever capacity that you wish to be on. I hope to chat with you again as it has been a very long time.

Take care, Buddy,
Mike

[(Anonymous)]

There... one year paid - make the most of it babycakes! (and don't friggin stop writing or venting or healing or loving!)

(Oh... and yeah - you'll figure it out from my IP address)

LOVE YA!!

[madlizard.livejournal.com]

I will be missing you. I always liked reading about you. Much Love to you and keep in touch damnit!

[danthered.livejournal.com]

I wish you well, Phil, whether or not you continue to post here. I hope you do, 'cause I enjoy reading what you write. *Hugs*

[cutepacub.livejournal.com]

Of the many people that I have met through the years, you are one of the best I have met. It saddens me to see people I respect and admire going through rough times. You guys are often in my thoughts, and a little well wish goes out when I do. I think it's that devilish grin that says it all for me. Keep your chin up, as hard as it may be, and don't be afraid to reach out, you maybe surprised who's there to help!

*hugs*

[leatherotter.livejournal.com]

I know things are topsy turvy right now - for a lot of us in fact. I just hope that I can still drop random AIM-by OtterHugs™.

:)

[chastmastr.livejournal.com]

YIKES! I just read this -- was sick for a while and so out of it and tired I didn't even do e-mail to speak of. Please drop me a line if you'd like -- I would still like to meet you!

Bearhugs

David

chastmastr at yahoo dot com