Goodbye is never easy

[greatbear]

Well, earlier this evening I deleted my journal. Why? I dont see it as much more than unecessary bytes clogging up a server somewhere. My life and health have taken so many downturns of late and it's not in my nature to drag others down with it. I've remained silent for a while with nothing to say, feeling that old adage that if one has nothing nice to say, one should not say anything. I found the big switch and I threw it, shutting this thing off for good. Or so I thought.

I just clicked up my 'friends' journal bookmark like I do at least once daily, and I was 404'd. By deleting my own journal, of course, so went my list of friends and all of their combined journal entries that I have become so accustomed to. My means of living vicariously through the words, sounds and pictures of others was eliminated with my own journal. So there began my quandary.

I have made a lot of friends through this medium, the majority of which I have never met personally, but in some ways I feel I have though their heartfelt writings. I never want to discard a friendship, real or virtual. By deleting this, I feel I am. I also feel like I am turning my back on these very fine individuals some of whom have sought my advice, etc. I cant do that.

My best analogy of all this is like watching my friends playing outside, through the window from inside my room. Yes, I want so much to go out and play, but I just cant. But I hold no grudges, instead I smile and laugh along with everyone outside, while peering through the blinds. You dont see this, you are too busy having fun, there is just an occasional tilt of the blinds that shows it happening from the outside.

So, at least for now, I leave it at this. I have no idea if I will ever post in my own journal again or not. Perhaps if I have some really good news, or if my life and my moods eventually take a turn for the better. I will probably leave a comment or two here and there, but I think that may be it. Feel free to 'defriend' me if you wish, I will take that as a sign to leave you alone. Otherwise, occasionally look up to that window with the blinds drawn, and wave.

My best to all of you.

Phil

Comments

Don't say goodbye, how about "See You Later"

[disccub.livejournal.com]

It is with a heavy heart that I read about your intended departure from the LJ world (even as a partial disconnect). In my limited experience, LJ has allowed me to connect with people both locally and across the country that I would never have had any contact with otherwise. I have only met a few people in person, but I feel that I have come to know a few people through LJ. I understand that you have been going through a lot lately personally and with your mother. When you are ready to rejoin the LJ world, we will welcome you back into it.

Please don't think of it as a window that your are looking through at us "at play". It's more like a sliding glass door. Anytime you want to come out and join us (even those of use who are hanging out at the edges of the crowd), just open the door and come on out (again) and join us. You are always welcome.

- Mike