On friendships, LiveJournal, the real world, and me

[greatbear]

This past weekend I had an epiphany of sorts.

I basically owe about 80 percent of my friendships to my being on the internet. As a kid, in my school days, I did not have very many 'good' friends, just a handful at best, a few of which I still have fairly regular contact with today. As I moved from schools and into the workforce, I gained a few more, but that was it. The workplace is generally full of divergent types of people, and any sort of 'friendship' comes with having similar interests, personalities, etc. In other words, there is not a whole lot in my case. I gained a few more once I discovered a group of gay employees, but that still did not bring up much of a total. All of this is not really a bad thing for me, because for the most part, I was (and in many ways still am) a loner at heart.

I am somewhat of a paradox in that I like to observe people, yet I keep to myself. I dont do well in a room full of people I don't know, I tend instead to stay quiet and observe. Classic introvert. Once I get to know someone, I tend to be a bit more outgoing in proportion to my level of knowledge of that person. Close friends can get an earful, aquaintances get small talk, etc.

Rewind a bit to '95, when I finally got 'net access at home and was finally able to do some exploring from the comfort and obscurity behind the console. Like just about any gay man, it did not take me long to discover chat systems. Here was my smorgasbord: literally a world of people interacting right in front of me, and I did not have to worry (too much at least) of esteem issues, appearance, and the like. The unique thing about chat over the internet is that it works well as a filter. One needs to have an intelligence level to be able to operate a computer as well as be expressive in a text-based format, so already the lowest common denominator is dispensed with. Those who expressed themselves efficiently and elegantly are gems to watch. In many cases, a lot of these talkative sorts were captive introverts just like me, who finally found an outlet, as well as the true extroverts in their element.

Forward now to these later years. Chatting, while still viable, seems to have dropped a bit in 'quality', at least to me. Many of the people I became friends with have moved on for whatever reason, and the environment in some of the chat houses has become a bit more hostile and plagued with advertisers and various other scum. I still peek in now and then to see if any of my friends are in the few rooms I 'grew up' in. I'll stop in for old times sake, and occasionally immerse myself like my halcyon days of chat. Sad thing is, I seem to be reverting to my old wallflower self more often than not, mostly because there does not seem to be any real talking going on.

Now I come to blogging. Like chat in the mid 90s, blogging is the newest 'thing' in personal communications, but with the potential to be much more widely read than fleeting text in a chat room. It's published words which remain, and in our case here, commentary from others which often grow into dialogs. I find blogging leaves a lot more lasting impression of the author than any sort of chat can, and in many cases, it seems a level above chat as far as thoughts, emotions and details in the postings. This allows the reader a deeper insight into the mind and heart of the author. To me, I have found once again my smorgasbord of humanity to observe, and on a much more intricate and relaxed pace. My introverted self can take time to formulate the right words to describe my particular mood or condition and hopefully not come across as some sort of nincompoop in the process. I can be funny, silly, introspective, even opening my heart, leaving the resulting words like an open book for any to read. I am sure most of you feel the same way.

Last week during a particularly low level of self esteem and worth, I selfishly deleted my journal mostly because I did not see it of any value. I was wrong. By deleting my own journal and losing my friend's lineup of entries with it, I realized how much a part of me the words of others had become. This new medium seems to fit my lifestyle as of late, and I would only be denying myself a means to interact with people if I turn away from it.

On Monday evening, I met for the first time in person a friend I had made here, soley in LiveJournal (the all-too-much-fun and downright cute e_ticket). Most of the people I know here I have never met before, or have met previously. Lust like people I have come to know in chat, meeting him was like meeting someone I already knew, and as such, the wallflower barriers were already taken away. I hope to meet so many of you, because your words, stories and pictures touched me in some fashion and it would be a shame not to have some real interaction. Once again, the internet manages to enrich my personal life in a way that no other real-life socializing with strangers could ever come close. I stood among friends at Hillside that I have made directly and indirectly through the 'net and thought to myself I would lose way too much if I were to deny myself such a wonderful opportunity.

I have decided I will stay here, as well in other virtual places and continue to make the world a smaller, more personal space through the interaction with so many fantastic people. It's more than text and graphics, it's camaraderie, a sharing of sorrow and happiness, it's all the good and bad times which makes people who they are, and the connections they forge, the support they give each other and most important, the friendships they create.

Stay tuned.

Comments

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Unlike chat, the words are there for perusal at any time, which for me these days is a big plus. Unlike chat, I can really filter who I want to read and keep in touch with.

Of course, the first time I found you here it was a comment left with this user pic:


It made my day.