Fixer of things, builder of stuff
Apr. 17th, 2013 01:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greatbearCaution, tl;dr introspection ahead.
That's basically me in a nutshell. a fixer of things and a builder of stuff. As I look back on my life as a whole, my hobbies and employment through the years, I can safely condense my purpose in life to this simple description. Granted, there are myriad little other aspects of my life I either enjoy, partake in, or are good at, but that is just background noise to the simple tune being played. It has brought me a moderate amount of success as a career, but I can't say that my accomplishments matter much in a grander scheme. I'm not "famous", nor would I really want to be, though I wouldn't mind being known for some major accomplishment that put the whole of humanity in a better place. Penicillin was already discovered, as it were. No, I am one of those who, if I were to vanish from the face of the earth tomorrow, I don't have much in the way of a lasting impact on anyone save for a couple people close to me. I'm good with that, and I think I'm in pretty good company as far as the world's population is concerned.
I guess I'm at that point in my life where I take stock of what has transpired in the first half of my own little century, and realize that time is beginning to run out. Seeing life pass me by much like scenery moving across a train window, I think of the happy moments, big accomplishments, love and love lost, departed loved ones, tragedies and misfortunes, it's amazing what goes through my mind when I sometimes lay awake at night. I feel betrayed by people I used to consider as friends whom I thought I had good relations with, only to find I was mostly being used for my strengths (I fixed their things, built them stuff, etc) and when life took a turn for the worst I found myself mostly alone in dealing with whatever it was at the time. It has proven to be a good filter, as the few people who stuck by me through thick and thin serve as shining lights of love and respect. Sadly, even many of those people tended to drift away as people are wont to do. I never understood this aspect of humanity. I realize the friendships need to be cultivated and nurtured much like a garden, but never knew why. I mean, if people are close friends, what ultimately drives them apart? Familiarity breeding contempt? The forgetful nature of humans in general? Some innate mental structure from our earliest ancestors? Beats me.
They say the internet has changed life as we know it. Information can be had in a split second. I can go shopping in the middle of the night naked in bed and have anything I could want or need. But the right-now nature of electronic interaction seems to also accelerated the pace at which folks come into and out of my life. That metaphor of life passing like scenery viewed through the train window is more like some sort of bullet train rollercoaster careening along at Mach 1 by comparison. Livejournal is a good example. While I deeply appreciate the friends I have here, I see how much it has changed. I'm still holding onto the "quality v. quantity" axiom here. In the 90s, a bunch of us pioneering netizens found each other, built up genuine friendships and would gather in person so often at different places and had a wonderful time each and every time. Then, after a while, it all disappeared. I lost touch with 90 percent of those people, and it seems it was all mutual. No one from those earlier days continues the tradition for what we gather. I guess the novelty wore off, or hidden pockets of drama broke up the good times, I don't know. All I know is that accelerated pace has made me feel even more disconnected from humanity. I found Jeff in those halcyon days and treasure my days with him, it's also a reminder of how close so many of us were. I knew more about people I met online after a few months than I knew of people I worked next to for decades and considered as close friends. Again, it immediacy of internet interaction comes into play, I guess. But it seems that same force that brings people together can indeed take them away just as efficiently, leaving one feeling more alone and disconnected than ever.
I've always been very introverted and introspective, initially awkward around strangers, all the usual traits of, well, a geek. My interactions in the beginning days of the intarwebz went a long way in making me more confident and outgoing. But as I've turned a corner, however that might be, I find myself second-guessing so much of what I do, I've become my own worst critic more than ever, and these days I feel more comfortable at home building stuff and fixing things. Jeff has to practically drag me to the few events and outings he plans for us. I do enjoy myself, don't get me wrong, and I am almost always glad we did whatever it was we did. We both have our burgeoning bucket lists that we'd like to punch items off of, I'd love to follow in my mother's footsteps and travel the world like she did when she retired. Sadly, I see less of those things less likely, the inertia needed to get me to get up off my ass is becoming greater with every passing year. The injuries in recent years haven't helped. I will try to keep a positive outlook to help with the motivation, and make use of unique opportunities that come along.
In the meantime, there are things that need fixing, and stuff needing building.
That's basically me in a nutshell. a fixer of things and a builder of stuff. As I look back on my life as a whole, my hobbies and employment through the years, I can safely condense my purpose in life to this simple description. Granted, there are myriad little other aspects of my life I either enjoy, partake in, or are good at, but that is just background noise to the simple tune being played. It has brought me a moderate amount of success as a career, but I can't say that my accomplishments matter much in a grander scheme. I'm not "famous", nor would I really want to be, though I wouldn't mind being known for some major accomplishment that put the whole of humanity in a better place. Penicillin was already discovered, as it were. No, I am one of those who, if I were to vanish from the face of the earth tomorrow, I don't have much in the way of a lasting impact on anyone save for a couple people close to me. I'm good with that, and I think I'm in pretty good company as far as the world's population is concerned.
I guess I'm at that point in my life where I take stock of what has transpired in the first half of my own little century, and realize that time is beginning to run out. Seeing life pass me by much like scenery moving across a train window, I think of the happy moments, big accomplishments, love and love lost, departed loved ones, tragedies and misfortunes, it's amazing what goes through my mind when I sometimes lay awake at night. I feel betrayed by people I used to consider as friends whom I thought I had good relations with, only to find I was mostly being used for my strengths (I fixed their things, built them stuff, etc) and when life took a turn for the worst I found myself mostly alone in dealing with whatever it was at the time. It has proven to be a good filter, as the few people who stuck by me through thick and thin serve as shining lights of love and respect. Sadly, even many of those people tended to drift away as people are wont to do. I never understood this aspect of humanity. I realize the friendships need to be cultivated and nurtured much like a garden, but never knew why. I mean, if people are close friends, what ultimately drives them apart? Familiarity breeding contempt? The forgetful nature of humans in general? Some innate mental structure from our earliest ancestors? Beats me.
They say the internet has changed life as we know it. Information can be had in a split second. I can go shopping in the middle of the night naked in bed and have anything I could want or need. But the right-now nature of electronic interaction seems to also accelerated the pace at which folks come into and out of my life. That metaphor of life passing like scenery viewed through the train window is more like some sort of bullet train rollercoaster careening along at Mach 1 by comparison. Livejournal is a good example. While I deeply appreciate the friends I have here, I see how much it has changed. I'm still holding onto the "quality v. quantity" axiom here. In the 90s, a bunch of us pioneering netizens found each other, built up genuine friendships and would gather in person so often at different places and had a wonderful time each and every time. Then, after a while, it all disappeared. I lost touch with 90 percent of those people, and it seems it was all mutual. No one from those earlier days continues the tradition for what we gather. I guess the novelty wore off, or hidden pockets of drama broke up the good times, I don't know. All I know is that accelerated pace has made me feel even more disconnected from humanity. I found Jeff in those halcyon days and treasure my days with him, it's also a reminder of how close so many of us were. I knew more about people I met online after a few months than I knew of people I worked next to for decades and considered as close friends. Again, it immediacy of internet interaction comes into play, I guess. But it seems that same force that brings people together can indeed take them away just as efficiently, leaving one feeling more alone and disconnected than ever.
I've always been very introverted and introspective, initially awkward around strangers, all the usual traits of, well, a geek. My interactions in the beginning days of the intarwebz went a long way in making me more confident and outgoing. But as I've turned a corner, however that might be, I find myself second-guessing so much of what I do, I've become my own worst critic more than ever, and these days I feel more comfortable at home building stuff and fixing things. Jeff has to practically drag me to the few events and outings he plans for us. I do enjoy myself, don't get me wrong, and I am almost always glad we did whatever it was we did. We both have our burgeoning bucket lists that we'd like to punch items off of, I'd love to follow in my mother's footsteps and travel the world like she did when she retired. Sadly, I see less of those things less likely, the inertia needed to get me to get up off my ass is becoming greater with every passing year. The injuries in recent years haven't helped. I will try to keep a positive outlook to help with the motivation, and make use of unique opportunities that come along.
In the meantime, there are things that need fixing, and stuff needing building.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 06:27 am (UTC)I know I'm not much good on the phone, am
afraid I'll say something totally stupid,
but, I'm still here.
no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 06:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 11:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 01:50 pm (UTC)I've found myself isolating more and more, even though I'm a borderline extrovert, and many of us become less an extrovert as we get older, but I was never the one to be the life of the party, so to speak, but I can be reserved, initially, but will warm up and be outgoing and sometimes chatty. :-)
I do notice changes in society as well, and I see what I've noted in recent pots of people letting technology ruling their lives to the point that it does their thinking for them. A sad commentary on society in general if you ask me.
I'll still remain around these parts for a while yet.
no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 03:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-17 04:44 pm (UTC)People do drift out of our lives. I like to think that, over time, new people will also drift into them.
hey there phil
Date: 2013-04-19 04:33 am (UTC)i hope i am forgiven by the remaining livejournal diehards
Re: hey there phil
Date: 2013-04-22 04:02 am (UTC)