Eighty-eight

[greatbear]

Today would've been Mom's 88th birthday. While time has indeed soften the edge of loss, it doesn't take a lot to bring me into that sad, cold feeling of loss. The first half of this month, in fact, once a personal period of happiness in our tiny family, with my birthday, then hers, topping off with Valentine's Day by simple fact that Valentine was Mom's first name (it's pronounced "Valentina," but an error in translation/spelling when she came to the states in the early 50s made the unique spelling stick, not such a bad thing really) makes a good excuse to have another celebration day. After all, I get Groundhog Day by dint of sharing my first name with a certain weather prognosticating furrball in Pennsyltucky, so why not make cozy wintertime hay with it? As one might expect, coupling these days of yore and the pleasant memories they had entailed with the remaining cold, grey winter and my disabilities and pain puts me into a bit of a funk. I try my best to push on, remembering all the good stuff, quietly playing records I haven't spun in decades, surrounding myself with the two little pooches who obviously sense something, and waiting till Jeff gets home. We went out for a nice little dinner at a local place, and some more minor parts had arrived while we were out that pertain to the IT infrastructure at Mayhem Acres, so while Jeff studies for a seminar tomorrow, I am down in the bowels of electronic underpinnings of La Casa putting the final touches on a new server, listening to obscure prog rock and classical and trying to keep myself composed. It's all I really can do these days, as Spring slowly arrives in six more weeks, more attention will be focused on some very important changes here and the frigid grey funk a memory.

I lost Mom nearly 8 years ago, but her birthday will always be a special day for me. I celebrate with her spirit that lives on around me.

Comments

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Sending you heartfelt hugs! I feel I understand your sadness. Mom's been gone just over two months and every day, I'm reminded of something she would have said or liked. I saw the movie "The Monuments Men" yesterday. It is exactly the type of movie mom would have adored. She had a huge crush on George Clooney (as does her son:)

I used to look forward to Valentine's Day. But, Tim lost his mother and grandmother the day after and it's spoiled the day for him forever. Trying to be sensitive to his feelings, I simply quit celebrating the holiday ... Yet, I'm not in the cynical camp ... It is not Single Awareness Day as some have started to call it.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

It's still tough. There will always be holidays or certain moments or places or something else that will push all the buttons and make me sad, but at the same time, similar things will have an opposite effect. I'll be buoyed by some memory, or think of what she'd think of something I am seeing, etc. There's no predicting any of it. I won't try to change it either.

Our only reason for bothering with Valentine's day was for our own personal reasons I described in the post. Otherwise, it meant nothing for us. Jeff and I might do something for each other, but for the most part I see it as a "Hallmark Holiday" meant to drive business to card shops, florists, jewelry shops and restaurants. I love Jeff every day of the year. I also won't go on the cynical side either.I had my (often painfully) single decades and I just happen to have lucked out in that respect. But in all those years of being single, I never, ever begrudged the day for those who found love, or might be trying to.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I love Jeff every day of the year

There is joy in such certainty!

You're not the type to begrudge anyone something so integral....

HUGS!

[tonethbone.livejournal.com]

I can understand how winter and dealing with a disability and memories of your mom..can, together, all get you down. I have no easy answer.

I can give you a list of ten things that might put me under sedation if I kept focus on them. I try to focus on how lucky I am..in so many other ways. My life is not yours...but I hope that soon you find many ways to consider, despite hardships, how lucky you are too.

I was just editing a post related to some of what I mentioned above

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Unca Tony, be assured that I am not wallowing in self pity here or in some other permafunk. Yeah, moments that motivate me to write tend to punctuate my mood at the time, and it often leans toward the darker side more often than not, but despite all that is going on, I'm still a pretty cheerful sort for the most part. If nothing else, I should write more about the triumphs and good times than I do. I don't, most often, because the stuff that makes me happy tends toward geeky or esoteric stuff that leaves a lot of people scratching their heads. It's more like, "I have no idea what you are saying, but huzzahs on ya for the happiness it brings to thee" sort of thing. :)

[tonethbone.livejournal.com]

Re: I should write more about the triumphs and good times than I do

Yes you should...and forget about what others think...Just make it real. If it's real...more often than not, its a good post

[mort-83.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*, Phil.....

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Gimme one of those lift-me-up bearhugs and and you really have a deal. :)

[mort-83.livejournal.com]

Deal! :)

[redmoonriver.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Danke!

[maxauburn.livejournal.com]

I understand, believe me on this.

George was like a father to me and the 16th anniversary of his death was less than 2 weeks ago. Wow time goes by fast. We miss the ones we love, but move on anyway- somehow. *BIG HUGS*

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Time supposedly heals all wounds, but I guess there will always be scars left over..

*hugs*

[maxauburn.livejournal.com]

As a friend on here once told me, we get used to the loss with time, and we became used to the pain- but we never truly "Get over" it.

[dan4behr.livejournal.com]

You made me sit up and do the math on how long it's been since my mom died. It will be 21 years in March.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's a while.

*hugs*

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

For me, it'll be 2 years ago this coming fall that Mom died. Right now, I don't have the sad moments as much, or have had them in a while, but they have come about though at times, and as you say, something unexpected say, comes along and triggers an emotion.

Though I DO still dream of her, often still alive in some fashion, and with Dad, but rarely are they sad, however, I've had those a time or two in recent months.

Hugs to you Phil and may things continue to get better for you healthwise.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I'd be more concerned if I wasn't getting those unexpected moments and memories.

Hugs, and thanks.