The Manic Mechanic

I never thought I would get into this sort of situation. Well, let me rephrase that. I never thought how frustrated I would get and how far and wide it would hit me if I ever found myself out of commission for a long time. Some days the smallest things upset me. There's a heavy box in the living room that has to eventually get out to the garage. Used to be I would prop it on my shoulder trot down the stairs and walk down the hill to the garage and be done with it. Now I have to make plans just to go to the garage some days. I'm tired of asking Jeff for every little assist. I end up struggling my own way with them and get even more frustrated as a result. I sit around and look at all the things I've done over the years. I'll then remember how much more I've done before all that. And in the vast majority of these things, I did it all myself. I used to think it was nothing, because it was just something I like doing (whatever it is). While I always thought of myself as an obscure loner with peculiar interests, all this extra time on my irritatingly idle hands gave me a chance to see that I've been through a lot, been lucky more times than I should've been (I don't fear anymore being hit by lightning, since it's said it never strikes the same place twice, lol), and I have an odd roster of fairly unique experiences and accomplishments over the years. I still have my problems, and quirks, right now the most maddening is my sense of pride and ego. I feel like a rudderless ship in a fog of my own creation. I have no idea why my inability to replace a few things on my car at the moment feels like total failure at life. It's silly, yes, but I also see it as relying on others or paying for services that I have taken for granted all these decades long. I fear for my future, and our future as a couple as well.

I've paid into the system for over thirty years, but it would be just my luck to somehow be declared ineligible for any of it and be royally screwed until my retirement date or forced to work in an injured state, if that would even be possible.

I'm glad you still read and comment, and I have to remember that people do get something out of it as well, not to mention that I'd be turning my back on friends here if I left. I don't always think clearly when my mind is racing around other problems.

Thanks for being a friend, Neil. *hugs*