Punxsutawny Me

[greatbear]

I managed to avoid LJ for just over a month. The reasons are simple, really. The posts would have revolved around my continuing spine troubles, the silly projects I enjoy partaking in but no one else could care a whit about, obscure old psychedelic rock music being played on stereo equipment older than a lot of people I know, computer problems and projects, my crushed ego that can't let me sign up for disability, the list goes on. Just looking back on the more "everyday" posts that are not about the rare special occasion or such make me sound like a broken record. So instead of the same old hash rehashed, I've just been keeping quiet. It's what I've done best in my 53 years on this crusty rock.

The coldest part of winter was often warmed up nicely during the holidays, and along with my youthful exuberance in decades gone by, I had some of the best days of my life during otherwise cold, grey days. Nowadays the grey is everywhere, from the skies to my face and to my thoughts. Today was a bit of an exception, as Jeff came home with 54(!) roses ("53 years old, plus one to grow" says he) and a nice card, and he managed, despite working his ass off in the hospital kitchens all day, to come home and make us a nice little dinner of my favorite food (chicken cutlets). The smiles and good feelings kicked aside the bad mojo for a while

Still, I felt undeserving of all that. Despite it all, I just keep feeling both worthless and somehow unappreciated. The latter is less an issue at home, but there is an inverse effect at play that is beginning to rear its head. This afternoon, a strange, odd power surge came down the line and disrupted several things here in strange ways. The heat was shut down, with the Nest thermostat suddenly disagreeing with the heating system, and I couldn't reset either.I mostly threw up my hands and proclaimed there's no heat except for the woodstove. Jeff asked a sensible question, "Can't we just call the heating company?" "You're looking at it" was my answer, and after a while, it dawned on me that I am the heating company, the builder, the mechanic, plumber, IT department, lawn care, carpenter, carpet cleaning service, appliance repair, well installer, A/V tech, works engineering, painter, locksmith, chimney sweep... you name it, and it has been all my doing for the longest time, even before I could legally drive in many cases. As small (and not-so-small) problems and issues begin piling up, I fear I might not be able to handle some of it and might need to rely on expensive outside help. So far, our attempts at doing so have been frustrating at best. My work at making a lot of things near maintenance free in recent years have been thwarted by, you guessed it, my inability to do anything. I feel I am losing this race. I'm close, but falling behind in the last couple years. Time will tell how this all plays out, but I am losing a lot of confidence in myself right now.

Tomorrow I am going for my third session of physical therapy. This therapist seems to be on a right track with my nerve issues, but at the same time I felt like I made some backwards progress. The rather dismal insurance I have requires a 50 dollar co-pay, and aside from that, most of the therapy itself won't be covered either, so this is becoming more and more expensive at the worst possible time. If the therapy actually helps, it will be worth it. If I go through a long-ish round of therapy and it doesn't do the trick, I will have wasted that money, and the next step will be very invasive surgery far more involved (and expensive) than any I had prior. I keep riding the same bad rollercoaster and the only ones benefiting are the doctors. Sorry if I am angry at times, but there you have it. I am used to being taken advantage of throughout my life, and it seems to be everywhere I go. No wonder I never want to leave the house anymore.

Well, there you have it in a nutshell. The reason I haven't been posting, and an example afterward.

So I can leave on a happier note, thanks to all who have wished me a happy birthday today. It's those wishes that made my day happier.

Comments

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I never thought I would get into this sort of situation. Well, let me rephrase that. I never thought how frustrated I would get and how far and wide it would hit me if I ever found myself out of commission for a long time. Some days the smallest things upset me. There's a heavy box in the living room that has to eventually get out to the garage. Used to be I would prop it on my shoulder trot down the stairs and walk down the hill to the garage and be done with it. Now I have to make plans just to go to the garage some days. I'm tired of asking Jeff for every little assist. I end up struggling my own way with them and get even more frustrated as a result. I sit around and look at all the things I've done over the years. I'll then remember how much more I've done before all that. And in the vast majority of these things, I did it all myself. I used to think it was nothing, because it was just something I like doing (whatever it is). While I always thought of myself as an obscure loner with peculiar interests, all this extra time on my irritatingly idle hands gave me a chance to see that I've been through a lot, been lucky more times than I should've been (I don't fear anymore being hit by lightning, since it's said it never strikes the same place twice, lol), and I have an odd roster of fairly unique experiences and accomplishments over the years. I still have my problems, and quirks, right now the most maddening is my sense of pride and ego. I feel like a rudderless ship in a fog of my own creation. I have no idea why my inability to replace a few things on my car at the moment feels like total failure at life. It's silly, yes, but I also see it as relying on others or paying for services that I have taken for granted all these decades long. I fear for my future, and our future as a couple as well.

I've paid into the system for over thirty years, but it would be just my luck to somehow be declared ineligible for any of it and be royally screwed until my retirement date or forced to work in an injured state, if that would even be possible.

I'm glad you still read and comment, and I have to remember that people do get something out of it as well, not to mention that I'd be turning my back on friends here if I left. I don't always think clearly when my mind is racing around other problems.

Thanks for being a friend, Neil. *hugs*

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

You can count on my friendship. I've been going through similar experiences and questioning of myself since 2011 when I had the first of my skin cancer scares and surgeries. I am currently in Austin, Texas. It was a last minute trip. I didn't have time to call my brother. My sister has breast cancer and it's an aggressive type. Chemo was to have started on Monday, but was delayed due to screw ups by the oncologist's office. I am acting as a paid caregiver to my nephew for the next four days. The schedule runs from 5am to 12 midnight. It's a daunting task and only hope my nephew's behaviors don't escalate. I'll be back in Minneapolis on 2-21.

If you do decide to apply for SSD, just know that most applications are rejected the first time and won on appeal.

Take good care of yourself.

HUGS!