Punxsutawny Me
Feb. 3rd, 2015 12:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greatbearI managed to avoid LJ for just over a month. The reasons are simple, really. The posts would have revolved around my continuing spine troubles, the silly projects I enjoy partaking in but no one else could care a whit about, obscure old psychedelic rock music being played on stereo equipment older than a lot of people I know, computer problems and projects, my crushed ego that can't let me sign up for disability, the list goes on. Just looking back on the more "everyday" posts that are not about the rare special occasion or such make me sound like a broken record. So instead of the same old hash rehashed, I've just been keeping quiet. It's what I've done best in my 53 years on this crusty rock.
The coldest part of winter was often warmed up nicely during the holidays, and along with my youthful exuberance in decades gone by, I had some of the best days of my life during otherwise cold, grey days. Nowadays the grey is everywhere, from the skies to my face and to my thoughts. Today was a bit of an exception, as Jeff came home with 54(!) roses ("53 years old, plus one to grow" says he) and a nice card, and he managed, despite working his ass off in the hospital kitchens all day, to come home and make us a nice little dinner of my favorite food (chicken cutlets). The smiles and good feelings kicked aside the bad mojo for a while
Still, I felt undeserving of all that. Despite it all, I just keep feeling both worthless and somehow unappreciated. The latter is less an issue at home, but there is an inverse effect at play that is beginning to rear its head. This afternoon, a strange, odd power surge came down the line and disrupted several things here in strange ways. The heat was shut down, with the Nest thermostat suddenly disagreeing with the heating system, and I couldn't reset either.I mostly threw up my hands and proclaimed there's no heat except for the woodstove. Jeff asked a sensible question, "Can't we just call the heating company?" "You're looking at it" was my answer, and after a while, it dawned on me that I am the heating company, the builder, the mechanic, plumber, IT department, lawn care, carpenter, carpet cleaning service, appliance repair, well installer, A/V tech, works engineering, painter, locksmith, chimney sweep... you name it, and it has been all my doing for the longest time, even before I could legally drive in many cases. As small (and not-so-small) problems and issues begin piling up, I fear I might not be able to handle some of it and might need to rely on expensive outside help. So far, our attempts at doing so have been frustrating at best. My work at making a lot of things near maintenance free in recent years have been thwarted by, you guessed it, my inability to do anything. I feel I am losing this race. I'm close, but falling behind in the last couple years. Time will tell how this all plays out, but I am losing a lot of confidence in myself right now.
Tomorrow I am going for my third session of physical therapy. This therapist seems to be on a right track with my nerve issues, but at the same time I felt like I made some backwards progress. The rather dismal insurance I have requires a 50 dollar co-pay, and aside from that, most of the therapy itself won't be covered either, so this is becoming more and more expensive at the worst possible time. If the therapy actually helps, it will be worth it. If I go through a long-ish round of therapy and it doesn't do the trick, I will have wasted that money, and the next step will be very invasive surgery far more involved (and expensive) than any I had prior. I keep riding the same bad rollercoaster and the only ones benefiting are the doctors. Sorry if I am angry at times, but there you have it. I am used to being taken advantage of throughout my life, and it seems to be everywhere I go. No wonder I never want to leave the house anymore.
Well, there you have it in a nutshell. The reason I haven't been posting, and an example afterward.
So I can leave on a happier note, thanks to all who have wished me a happy birthday today. It's those wishes that made my day happier.
The coldest part of winter was often warmed up nicely during the holidays, and along with my youthful exuberance in decades gone by, I had some of the best days of my life during otherwise cold, grey days. Nowadays the grey is everywhere, from the skies to my face and to my thoughts. Today was a bit of an exception, as Jeff came home with 54(!) roses ("53 years old, plus one to grow" says he) and a nice card, and he managed, despite working his ass off in the hospital kitchens all day, to come home and make us a nice little dinner of my favorite food (chicken cutlets). The smiles and good feelings kicked aside the bad mojo for a while
Still, I felt undeserving of all that. Despite it all, I just keep feeling both worthless and somehow unappreciated. The latter is less an issue at home, but there is an inverse effect at play that is beginning to rear its head. This afternoon, a strange, odd power surge came down the line and disrupted several things here in strange ways. The heat was shut down, with the Nest thermostat suddenly disagreeing with the heating system, and I couldn't reset either.I mostly threw up my hands and proclaimed there's no heat except for the woodstove. Jeff asked a sensible question, "Can't we just call the heating company?" "You're looking at it" was my answer, and after a while, it dawned on me that I am the heating company, the builder, the mechanic, plumber, IT department, lawn care, carpenter, carpet cleaning service, appliance repair, well installer, A/V tech, works engineering, painter, locksmith, chimney sweep... you name it, and it has been all my doing for the longest time, even before I could legally drive in many cases. As small (and not-so-small) problems and issues begin piling up, I fear I might not be able to handle some of it and might need to rely on expensive outside help. So far, our attempts at doing so have been frustrating at best. My work at making a lot of things near maintenance free in recent years have been thwarted by, you guessed it, my inability to do anything. I feel I am losing this race. I'm close, but falling behind in the last couple years. Time will tell how this all plays out, but I am losing a lot of confidence in myself right now.
Tomorrow I am going for my third session of physical therapy. This therapist seems to be on a right track with my nerve issues, but at the same time I felt like I made some backwards progress. The rather dismal insurance I have requires a 50 dollar co-pay, and aside from that, most of the therapy itself won't be covered either, so this is becoming more and more expensive at the worst possible time. If the therapy actually helps, it will be worth it. If I go through a long-ish round of therapy and it doesn't do the trick, I will have wasted that money, and the next step will be very invasive surgery far more involved (and expensive) than any I had prior. I keep riding the same bad rollercoaster and the only ones benefiting are the doctors. Sorry if I am angry at times, but there you have it. I am used to being taken advantage of throughout my life, and it seems to be everywhere I go. No wonder I never want to leave the house anymore.
Well, there you have it in a nutshell. The reason I haven't been posting, and an example afterward.
So I can leave on a happier note, thanks to all who have wished me a happy birthday today. It's those wishes that made my day happier.
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Date: 2015-02-10 07:45 pm (UTC)There seems to be a big uptick in neo-psychedelic and space rock these days, something I quite enjoy. Bands like Moon Duo, Karda Estra, Magic Bus, Aphex Twin, Steven Wilson, Mondo Drag, Anima Mundi, Oresund Space Collective very well could've lived in the 60s and early-mid 70's making the music they do. I find myself listening to psych and space as productive background music, given how my brain works I guess. I was pleased to find a rip of a Canadian band called Troyka that had one s/t album in 1970, I had picked an 8-track tape of it in the bargain box at the Ft. Meade PX in the early 70s, there was nothing I knew in that box of very cheap cutouts, but, given my Russian heritage, I picked it up. I immediately fell in love with that crazy, quirky album. The tape has been long gone since the late 70s, but I remembered a couple songs in particular, most notably "Berry Picking" that would hit me as an earworm every couple of years. Playing that album in recent weeks was a huge time machine trip for me, since I had bought it in the winter and I always associate it with cold and snow. The album art even featured the band standing somewhat uncomfortably in the snow. When I reached "Berry Picking" I automatically sang all the words as if I played it last week. It made me go digging around for some of the old psych, space and prog I remembered and had from that time period. Zappa, Tangerine Dream (Rubicon-era), Hendrix, PFM, Can, Rayuela, The Crazy World of Arthur Brown (who just released a new album and he's like 80 years old by now), King Crimson, Poseidon, early, pre-fame Yes, lots more. Since the internet freed artists from the grip of record labels and their focus on current music and their ignoring of formats they think won't sell, a lot of ignored and forgotten styles are coming back these days. People are tired of the three minute song formula, young folks are discovering old progressive rock music (the best comment I read about someone quite young hearing Yes' "Gate of Delirium" for the first time, "This sounds like music from another planet! I love it!") The long tail of the internet collects artists with long back catalogs but never received much airplay, if at all. Now these obscure old 60s and 70s bands along with the familiar ones like Pink Floyd in the psych era are inspiring the young people today. They might not get famous, but they are having a lot of fun.
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Date: 2015-02-11 02:47 pm (UTC)Will check out those bands too!
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Date: 2015-02-11 03:03 pm (UTC)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3siFJ_kRA8
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Date: 2015-02-11 07:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-11 09:49 pm (UTC)(I got into psych in the 90's in a very odd way - I was a fan of David Holmes and he did some very eclectic mixes: http://www.discogs.com/David-Holmes-Essential-Mix-9801/release/70904, and they had There's No Vibration But Wait by EBB on there, I got the album...not sure many people would have jumped into that deepend...but I loved the album, still do - if someone was to say 'what's your favourite psychedelic song?' it'd have to be Aphrodite.)