greatbear | What vacation?

Well, I knew this would happen. I am halfway into my five week vacation and the only thing I have been doing is working. It's so typically me though. My first reaction upon finding out that I was forced into taking my 5 weeks of vacation (go ahead, twist that arm of mine but good now) was that I was gonna finally live out an ongoing dream of mine to hop into the car and drive across the country. That got reduced some because I had no time to make the requisite plans, map out routes, find places to stay, get in touch with people I know in those areas, etc. Now it was to become some exploration maybe over several states that I have yet to visit. Bzzzt, same problems. I decided to play by ear instead once the time arrived. Well, the time came and I instead turned back into the Manic Mechanic, tearing into various stuff at my 'second' job. Time between that got filled with taking care of other projects that had to be put on the back burner for lacko funding. Time between those became filled with trying to make as much quality time for those I am involved with. And so it goes. And is still going. In short order it will be gone, and the new year will find me back to the daily grind.

I have come to the conclusion that left to my own devices, my 'vacation time' will always become just time to do 'different' work. It's been that way for years, and apparently it aint about to change, even under some extraordinary circumstances.

I am that dull.

My growing up a confused and basically xenophobic young adult (as I explained in a previous post) has left me with stuff that will be a constant mental block to taking the initiative and going out into the world and enjoying what it has to offer. Once I am out there, as it were, I generally have a good time, and those who thought me to be the ultimate wallflower often comment on how uncharacteristically outgoing and personable I am. Truly, once I get in the right crowd there is no shutting me up. It's the getting me 'out there' that's the bitch. Even invitations arent enough sometimes. I need to be forced.

I hope to at least take a couple day trips or something to make this feel as though it's a vacation and not just an extension of my disability that started a year prior. I just don't know what to do. And honestly, it does not matter to me for the most part. It seems that I am powerfully reverting back to the man I was 20 years ago. Minus the shoulder-length hair and the muscles, of course. I just hope that this is a phase or part of a mid-life crisis and not something permanent, because it would make me an angry, rash and unpleasant person to be around in certain circumstances.

I am also in full-on Scrooge mode to boot. The commerciality of the season, being pounded with ads and billboards and noisy crowds everywhere made me decide to skip out on it entirely this year. No tree, no decorating, save for perhaps something outside in the yard and on the house like I usually do. I want nothing this year as far as gifts either. I just want to be left to myself, comforted with the knowledge that my friends are all having a good time and are safe from harm. That is really all I am asking this time around. Peace on Earth, and peace of mind.