'Twern't for bad luck, I'd none 't all

[greatbear]

I was supposed to be up in Pennsylvania right now. To finally take a bit of time off to get away from my dismal life here as of late and unwind, Jeff and I were heading up for one of the more unusual yet friendly and laid-back weekends at Hillside (Wrestling/Car Show/Talent Show weekend). Alas, it must not have been meant to be, as I had a nasty blowout of the rear tire on my truck that nearly sent me into a bridge abutment. I managed to collect the truck and pull off the road safely to assess the damage. Tread ripped from the tire, trim torn off the bed side, bent-up wheelwell. Great. The tire itself was still fully inflated, but appeared ready to blow off the rim. I let out most of the pressure and put on the spare. With all my enthusiasm ripped to shreds and resembling that tire, I called Jeff, cancelled yet another of our vacation trips and skulked home. I'm not about to drive over 500 miles on a 16 year old spare tire and three other potential timebombs.

When will this end? How much more hell am I supposed to endure? It seems never ending at this point. Yeah, I guess it's all in how you look at things. I didnt wreck the truck, the trailer was not attached yet (that would have definitely been a disaster), there was no one in the adjoining lanes, etc. Still, I cannot help but feel that my life is somehow stuck in a downward spiral. Everything somehow feels 'wrong' at this point. I had a premonition of sorts regarding tires on the trailer, and brought along the small floor jack just in case. It came in handy.

Saturday marks one month since Mom died. One month already. I miss her terribly, and I am constantly falling into those moods where I just start crying. Does not matter where I am, it just happens. It's to be expected I guess, and I dont see those ending anytime soon, if ever. I still got a ton of business to tend to in this respect, and really doubt if I can ultimately be at any sort of ease until I deal with it. I still cant help but feel something else extremely bad is going to happen.

I am beyond exhausted. I am going to bed, and shutting off the alarm for once.

Comments

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Do you feel like you're living partly in a dream?

At times, yes. A dream state, or slogging about during the day in a kind of fog. It almost feels like 'another life' in some ways, which, technically, it is. Things have changed so profoundly now, it's no longer my life as I knew it. This is not necessarily 'bad', just different. And, right now, full of sadness.

[thetarnishedowl.livejournal.com]

When I would be between waking and sleeping, I would get confused about which was which, because in my dreams Dad was still here. Now, eleven months later, that has pretty much subsided, though I still get caught by surprise by the realization at times.

Just know: I (and others here) understand.