'Twern't for bad luck, I'd none 't all

[greatbear]

I was supposed to be up in Pennsylvania right now. To finally take a bit of time off to get away from my dismal life here as of late and unwind, Jeff and I were heading up for one of the more unusual yet friendly and laid-back weekends at Hillside (Wrestling/Car Show/Talent Show weekend). Alas, it must not have been meant to be, as I had a nasty blowout of the rear tire on my truck that nearly sent me into a bridge abutment. I managed to collect the truck and pull off the road safely to assess the damage. Tread ripped from the tire, trim torn off the bed side, bent-up wheelwell. Great. The tire itself was still fully inflated, but appeared ready to blow off the rim. I let out most of the pressure and put on the spare. With all my enthusiasm ripped to shreds and resembling that tire, I called Jeff, cancelled yet another of our vacation trips and skulked home. I'm not about to drive over 500 miles on a 16 year old spare tire and three other potential timebombs.

When will this end? How much more hell am I supposed to endure? It seems never ending at this point. Yeah, I guess it's all in how you look at things. I didnt wreck the truck, the trailer was not attached yet (that would have definitely been a disaster), there was no one in the adjoining lanes, etc. Still, I cannot help but feel that my life is somehow stuck in a downward spiral. Everything somehow feels 'wrong' at this point. I had a premonition of sorts regarding tires on the trailer, and brought along the small floor jack just in case. It came in handy.

Saturday marks one month since Mom died. One month already. I miss her terribly, and I am constantly falling into those moods where I just start crying. Does not matter where I am, it just happens. It's to be expected I guess, and I dont see those ending anytime soon, if ever. I still got a ton of business to tend to in this respect, and really doubt if I can ultimately be at any sort of ease until I deal with it. I still cant help but feel something else extremely bad is going to happen.

I am beyond exhausted. I am going to bed, and shutting off the alarm for once.

Comments

[thetarnishedowl.livejournal.com]

I think it's grief, all of it. Not just when you're thinking of your mom. Do you feel like you're living partly in a dream?

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Do you feel like you're living partly in a dream?

At times, yes. A dream state, or slogging about during the day in a kind of fog. It almost feels like 'another life' in some ways, which, technically, it is. Things have changed so profoundly now, it's no longer my life as I knew it. This is not necessarily 'bad', just different. And, right now, full of sadness.

[thetarnishedowl.livejournal.com]

When I would be between waking and sleeping, I would get confused about which was which, because in my dreams Dad was still here. Now, eleven months later, that has pretty much subsided, though I still get caught by surprise by the realization at times.

Just know: I (and others here) understand.

[in-fin-i-ty.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

:-)

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I wish I could convey to you how much that statement means to me. Thank you.

[orange-groves.livejournal.com]

Honestly, from things that have happened to me, I recognize exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, abundant living means dealing with the sad as well as the happy. But I'm sorry about what happened with the truck, but I'm also really grateful that you weren't hurt or stranded in the dark alone.

I hope that you don't mind me saying Hug right now, and that it doesn't sound superficial. You are on my heart.

The loss of your mother will take time. Dealing with it doesn't happen overnight. But, you know, that's really ok. NEVER apologize for grieving.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

All very kind words. Thank you.

[sfmini.livejournal.com]

The only lifeline I can offer is that I still do care. Me and a lot of people think of you every day. Hold on to that energy, it will give you something to grab on to during this journey. My heart aches for what you are going through and I just wish I could do more.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

You are doing more than you know. Thank you. :)

[bearlover.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*. I wish I could say more, but I can't even beginning to know what you're going through. Keep rockin' I guess :)

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

If I could rock like you, I'd be set. :)

Thanks.

[thepozlife.livejournal.com]

I'm just getting back into the LJ world when I read this post. There is nothing I can say to make it any better, just that I understand your feelings of loss. Please take care of yourself.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[furr-a-bruin.livejournal.com]

The only thing I have to say about your tale of tire tribulations is that I'm glad you weren't hurt and that it didn't cause a serious accident.

Everyone is unique - but I've been somewhere near your grief, when my mother died in '98. As the saying goes, "the only way out is through..."

I have noticed that sometimes people worry that getting past the immediate grief of losing someone so close will mean they'll wind up forgetting that person. From my experience, that's an empty worry - 8 years later, I still find myself thinking "Ooh, I've got to tell Mom about this... whoops."

It's just that now it no longer feels like someone's knifed me in the chest and poured salt in the wound.

Do your best to focus on good memories of your mother when she comes to mind; I know that can hurt - but I don't think you want to have her illness and death as the first thing you think of when she comes to mind.

Take care of yourself.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I'm still well inside that 'knife in the chest' circle. But it's easing up, albeit only slightly.

And those situations that would have me calling mom or similar? Happening a lot, even for a millisecond before I catch myself. These are not always that bad, sometimes they are comforting.

Thanks for the good vibes.

[fjdbear.livejournal.com]

Remember, everyone grieves differently. Loss manifests itself in ways you didn't realize. But the crying is a good thing. I can cry over anything now.

I can only speak from my experience, but I recognize that feeling of "something extremely bad is going to happen". I talked about that with my therapist. He said that is because something extremely bad, DID HAPPEN. So why not again? It's normal to feel that way.

I had some little nagging voice in my head that kept telling me that any happiness, stability, calm, is temporary. The shit will hit the fan sooner or later. More suffering ahead. I felt doomed. Singled out for doom, bad karma, etc. etc. Then, when Doug was diagnosed with Parkinson's a year after I moved in with him, I felt this proved that theory. Bittersweet Symphony.


I still feel that way, (sometimes) but I deal with it better and realize it's not always about me. Things happen to others too. You don't know what that family up the street might be going through behind their closed door, behind the smiles. Or the man on the street.

When bad things do happen, it never gets any easier, just more recognizable from our own experience. Sort of like a "A ha I know you", kind of thing.

Try to live from day to day more. Try to push away overwhelming negative thoughts and replace them -- more. Try not to watch the news! ;-)

When something tragic happens, it hits so hard and deep--- It changes you. Forever. It's exhausting. But parts of the brain go into overdrive and compensate. If that happens, don't feel guilty about that, ever. It's a gift, a survival thing. Forgive me if this sounds nuts. I need coffee.

BIG HUG

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

A lot of my feelings are unmistakably survival types, and they seem to arrive almost with a label that says 'this is good, not bad'. So what you are saying is not 'nuts' at all. It's like stepping on a landmine and feeling that horror for a split second, and nothing happens.

HUGS

[fingertrouble.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Sometimes expressing how you feel is good too, also I find solace in nature or music (when things are that dark for me).

And as Jeb said above, we'll all be here.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I find my solace in the oddest places. My hands in an engine, building things, chatting with friends, music. I still have those triggers though, which send me down a dark road for a while, but I seem to find my way out of it all eventually.

Thanks for being here, it means more than you know.

Know you are loved

[rockvillewoof.livejournal.com]

Take it a day at a time, sweet man - an hour at a time if you have to break it down. Nobody should expect you to be all hunky-dory in just a month, least of all yourself. It takes time, but the pain will lessen with time. Most importantly, don't push away the ones who truly love you -they will be with you and it's okay to lean on them and need them to be strong.

Big hugs honey!

Paul :-)

Re: Know you are loved

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thanks big guy. HUGS!

[notdefined.livejournal.com]

Phil, what can be said to try and heal the open sore we create for ourselves when our loved ones transition from this life? You have the warmth of your mother's love with you, that you will always have, and you must know that you gave her a gift that most children would never achieve, the devotion of a loving son. I for one do not believe that life ends when the heart ceases its beating, that the force which makes us what we are continues in another space. If I am correct, then your mother will be with you always, hold fast to her memories, but open yourself to the possibility that she continues to walk with you. Don't dishonor her by cheating yourself from the life she worked so hard to prepare you for. Look at your handsome face in the mirror, smile and know that she continues to live because you are here! Reach out to those around you Phil, show the love that was given you to those who have none. Through this you will bring honor to your mother and peace to your soul.

Big hugs to you Phil, rest your head and let go of your pain, it is neither your friend or companion. It blinds you from the beauty of the past and that which awaits you.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

You sweet, kind man. Thank you so much for you wisdom and kind words. They made my day. Honest.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I honestly can say that seeing this many people genuinely caring is surprising to say the least. While it does help tremendously, I still have a tough time processing it all.

We'll be there in August.

HUGS

[liftinmoose.livejournal.com]

awww it's funny how all bad things come in waves :(

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that they do.

HUGS

[ptownnyc.livejournal.com]

Hug

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Right back at ya. Tripled.

[britbear.livejournal.com]

> Saturday marks one month since Mom died. One month already. I miss her terribly, and I am constantly falling into those moods where I just start crying. Does not matter where I am, it just happens.

I remember it well. I remember telling my co-worker at the time that if he saw me with tears streaming down my face, I was ok, just grief working its way out. If I could feel a wailing and sobbing coming on, I'd go excuse myself but for the most part, I just let the tears come wherever I was.

*hug* I wish I could do something to be more supportive.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I usually find a quiet place and have at it, it's not always bad, it's a flood of memories, mostly good ones. I know something would be terribly wrong if this would not be happening.

Thanks for the support. It means a great deal.

[devcubber.livejournal.com]

I am so thankful that you weren't hurt with the tire incident - you have wits about you that you don't even notice right now keeping you safe.

I think that the rawness you are feeling, the bleakness, is part of walking through the pain of loss and heartbreak. What a wound you are carrying; time and crying and feeling miserable is all part of the recovery.

It's so hard to hear a friend in pain; maybe you could imagine each one of us in your life carrying a teeny piece, maybe to make your piece a little lighter?

*hug*

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thanks Elise, for the soothing words. They mean the world to me right now.

*HUGS*

[patrock.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry man.

Sometimes I feel like nothing works correctly, or the way I want it too. It's the biggest fucking drag. So, I'm not gonna patronize you with an "oh cheer up, it will all get better"..... you know it will.....

Getting through all the dark stuff without being completely enveloped by the sadness of it is tough. Just grieve and be with it until you're done. It's healthy though not easy, or comfortable, but it is necessary.

so in the meantime numb yourself by tossing some cows!

http://www.mirvish.com/spamalot/game/

i'd otherwise offer a hug or a crass suggestion, but .....nah

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the solid words. And the diversion.

Rock on.

[detailbear.livejournal.com]

With time, it hurts less often and only at certain times.

HUGS.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

HUGS and thanks.

[npdxbear.livejournal.com]

I wish I was there to hold you and you could cry on my shoulder. I know what you are going through, and it ain't easy. My heart goes out to you buddy. Hang in there, it will get easier. HUGS.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kindness from an unexpected source. And welcome to my LJ, even though it's rather glum for a while.

HUGS

[npdxbear.livejournal.com]

XOXOXOXO (I still think about your slings)

[carytown.livejournal.com]

Please take care. And try to get a little recharging done this weekend.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[rockybear02.livejournal.com]

One day at a time Phil. We're very thankful that you are OK - the truck can be fixed - no one was hurt.

You're a great guy - and there will be brighter days ahead for you. I think of our chat from a couple weeks ago often. So many times I mention to other guys how I talk to my Mom all the time and am so close with her. You are one of the rare men that understand that relationship. Either that - or I just need more friends that are like me.

Get some rest and relax (sorry for rambling)

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

Those who are not close dont know what they are missing. I know it's not possible for everyone, for whatever reason, but it's wonderful when it can.

HUGS

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Oooo man, the blowout really blows. Glad you are safe and as someone else has already said, you had your wits about you to get stopped safely and in one piece.

Grieving will take a while. Even more recently, I still can get teary eyed when I think of my father and it'll be 8 years this October since his passing.

It will get better, but may never totally go away.

If I could, I'd give you the biggest hug I can and just be there for you.

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I would not want it to go away, regardless of the time. There is a comfort in it, even though it's delivered with a lot of sadness right now. I've lost people close to me before, and those painful rememberances temper with time, and become warm, comforting, peaceful memories.

Thanks for the kind words.

HUGS

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

I would not want it to go away, regardless of the time.

I would not want it to totally go away either. If it did, it means you've most likely forgotten them.