Two years gone

[greatbear]

Today marks two years since I lost my Mom to cancer. Right now I am too numb to really think clearly about it. We left Hillside early in the morning, and I wanted just to get home. I could not bring myself to walk up to the memorial because I knew it would have caused me to break down completely, and we'd still be there. We stopped by Jeff's parents' place for dinner and to leave the trailer behind. Without the trailer I sped back home, unloaded everything and went back out for the week's groceries with Jeff. After coming back, having a supper of sandwiches and chips, I find my main computer irretrievably crashed. This after having problems before trying to make backups. I am in such a space right now that I might end up sledgehammering the thing, all 3 grand worth just so I dont ever have to look at it again. I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow, as I had left some issues to be dealt with when I got back from my so-called relaxing trip.

I just dont know how much more of this I can take. I am tired of acting like a duck, with the illusion of gliding along in the water all the while keeping that mad kicking beneath the surface. Jeff is visibly tired of it as well, and I fear he's going to get fed up and leave. After that, there's not much more to go on with.

Sorry to vent, but I am running out of ideas now.

Comments

I AM GOING TO USE THE C WORD OK?

[beartech420.livejournal.com]

CLINICAL DEPRESSION...OK?

This means that your grief for your mother's death and or other things in your life HAVE MADE PERMANENT CHANGES IN YOUR BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

In this strange world if a man has a compound break in his arm, people will walk by and say, "Hey your bone is hanging out of your arm, can I take you to the hospital?"

But if a man has problems with his brain the reply can be, "Oh someone needs a hug, I hope you get better and pull yourself out of that black hole you are in."

We live in the 21st century not the 24th where I could walk up to you with a medical tricoder and say,"seritonin levels are below normal and you are cycling disparaging thoughts maintaining these low levels." I prescribe antidepressants and cognitive therapy."

And the worst part about clinical depression is the fact that it is effecting your ability to make choices in your life, like seeing a doctor about clinical depression.

Clinical Depression

http://www.lexapro.com/understand_condition/depression_symptoms.aspx?WT.srch=1&PlacementGUID=D2BE3A1A-C193-4221-B993-D2AFA903296Ahttp:/

Cognitive Behavioral therapy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioural_therapy

Antidepressants these are the 2 that i am using...

Wellbutrin

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wellbutrin_xl

and cymbalta
http://www.cymbalta.com/depression/understandingdepression.jsp?WT.mc_id=CymCSMDD0001&WT.srch=1

So think about seriously what I am saying to you, but understand if you are clinically depressed the illness will cloud your decision making abilities. And it is an illness like ANY OTHER PHYSICAL ILLNESS. And Physical illnesses have nothing to do with your manliness or weakness or anything about you emotional or psychologically, it is a physically illness and should be treated like one, OK?

OK big hug! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NOW.
TWO YEARS IS ONE YEAR AND NINE MONTHS TOO LONG.
BestRegards,
Pete

Re: I AM GOING TO USE THE C WORD OK?

[beartech420.livejournal.com]

Hey Bro,
I know the last post was kinda strong. But check out what I'm saying and if I'm wrong that is cool because it is one less thing that there is to deal with.

You know it has been 2 years and so many good things has happened to you. You have a loving partner, a great dog, a fine trailer to enjoy the summer.

I really envy what you have even the 3k computer which is crashing on you.

You have so much to be grateful for, something like a physical illness which can be treated, should be.

And you know if your Mom could speak to you now I'm sure she would tell you that 2 years is far to long for you to be enduring such pain. She loves you and would not want her son to be in this kind mental anguish.

Pete