Two years gone

[greatbear]

Today marks two years since I lost my Mom to cancer. Right now I am too numb to really think clearly about it. We left Hillside early in the morning, and I wanted just to get home. I could not bring myself to walk up to the memorial because I knew it would have caused me to break down completely, and we'd still be there. We stopped by Jeff's parents' place for dinner and to leave the trailer behind. Without the trailer I sped back home, unloaded everything and went back out for the week's groceries with Jeff. After coming back, having a supper of sandwiches and chips, I find my main computer irretrievably crashed. This after having problems before trying to make backups. I am in such a space right now that I might end up sledgehammering the thing, all 3 grand worth just so I dont ever have to look at it again. I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow, as I had left some issues to be dealt with when I got back from my so-called relaxing trip.

I just dont know how much more of this I can take. I am tired of acting like a duck, with the illusion of gliding along in the water all the while keeping that mad kicking beneath the surface. Jeff is visibly tired of it as well, and I fear he's going to get fed up and leave. After that, there's not much more to go on with.

Sorry to vent, but I am running out of ideas now.

Comments

[kymutt.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew of some quick fix to help you with your problem, Phil. I truly do. I don't know of any kind words, or even tired cliches that would remotely be of assistance. But if you ever just want to vent, I can do that...

Take it from the professionally depressed

[sfmini.livejournal.com]

You've let things go too far. Even you pretty much admit it. You've been depressed since your mother died. It's not getting better, in fact in the last few months it appears to have reached a new low. Many people have suggested you go see your doctor, yet apparently you have resisted that idea.

You say you are running out of ideas? See your doctor, you don't have to take his advice, but there are more ideas to ponder. What can it hurt?

It's not going to get better on its own. You take such an active positive role in most everything in your life......except yourself.

[sparkygearhead.livejournal.com]

Bubba, I know it's cliche, but tie a knot and hang on. It always gets better, you know? You've got family and friends who love you very much, and when you can't hang on any more by yourself we'll grab your arm and hold on for you.

It's going to be okay.

[inqueery.livejournal.com]

Not much to say other than offer a big ::hug::. Hang in there man...

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

Honey, you're acknowledging these fears that nothing's getting better and that this might even be trying Jeff's patience. Now's the time to go and DO something about it. There has to be someone you can go to, where you can sort all of this out. Because, after two years, it's NOT better all by itself. It's not a papercut that'll eventually go away -- these are real problems that are continually manifesting themselves in your life.

Please honey, I worry about you.

[kitchenbeard.livejournal.com]

Look, I don't know you well. Just from the pixels on my computer that you've shared. But I've been in your shoes. In 2001 I watched my mother die like you did 2 years ago. The thing is I ended up having a major emotional breakdown that cost me my job, my partner, and lead me to a lot of really self destructive behaviors. What I suggest is you finding someone to talk to that is a professional. This is about you taking control and about making positive choices. This isn't about the professional telling you what to do, but instead, it's about you giving yourself the freedom and the space to feel, cope and process. Again, I don't know you, but my suggestion is don't put it off like I did.

[toshiomana.myopenid.com (from livejournal.com)]

*HUGS* Again it all sounds too familiar. :/ *HUGS*

[shawnsyms.livejournal.com]

I'd really like to second what kitchenbeard said.

xo

[bearlover.livejournal.com]

I wish there was more I could do. I'm very close to my mom too. I can't imagine what life would be like without her.

[beastbriskett.livejournal.com]

And here I was going to ask you how do it...
Phil, you're wounded, and know the problem is bigger than yourself. There's no harm in exploring your options, especially when you feel you've exhausted your ideas.
Here's a wide shoulder if ya need to vent any more.

[wrascalism.livejournal.com]

Please remember you are not alone. One thing I wish my local friends had done for me was just to sit and let me talk.

If you need someone to talk to, I've always been a good listener!

many HUGS big guy!

[dougoros.livejournal.com]

I second...third? the talk to your doc thing...we all handle loss differently. It also seems to me ...as a complete stranger...that since you were so close to your mom...it would be honoring her....and be making her very happy ...for you to be happy.It's time to take care of yourself for her sake.And if you ever need an anonymous person to vent to/scream at...we've got unlimited long distance....

[volunqueer.livejournal.com]

Bigs hugs to you and Jeff sweety - didn't realize it's already been two years. My new roommate and I were talking about our moms at lunch yesterday (he also lost his to cancer) and I mentioned that I know I will be a basketcase when the time comes for my own mom to "check-out."

I AM GOING TO USE THE C WORD OK?

[beartech420.livejournal.com]

CLINICAL DEPRESSION...OK?

This means that your grief for your mother's death and or other things in your life HAVE MADE PERMANENT CHANGES IN YOUR BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

In this strange world if a man has a compound break in his arm, people will walk by and say, "Hey your bone is hanging out of your arm, can I take you to the hospital?"

But if a man has problems with his brain the reply can be, "Oh someone needs a hug, I hope you get better and pull yourself out of that black hole you are in."

We live in the 21st century not the 24th where I could walk up to you with a medical tricoder and say,"seritonin levels are below normal and you are cycling disparaging thoughts maintaining these low levels." I prescribe antidepressants and cognitive therapy."

And the worst part about clinical depression is the fact that it is effecting your ability to make choices in your life, like seeing a doctor about clinical depression.

Clinical Depression

http://www.lexapro.com/understand_condition/depression_symptoms.aspx?WT.srch=1&PlacementGUID=D2BE3A1A-C193-4221-B993-D2AFA903296Ahttp:/

Cognitive Behavioral therapy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioural_therapy

Antidepressants these are the 2 that i am using...

Wellbutrin

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wellbutrin_xl

and cymbalta
http://www.cymbalta.com/depression/understandingdepression.jsp?WT.mc_id=CymCSMDD0001&WT.srch=1

So think about seriously what I am saying to you, but understand if you are clinically depressed the illness will cloud your decision making abilities. And it is an illness like ANY OTHER PHYSICAL ILLNESS. And Physical illnesses have nothing to do with your manliness or weakness or anything about you emotional or psychologically, it is a physically illness and should be treated like one, OK?

OK big hug! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NOW.
TWO YEARS IS ONE YEAR AND NINE MONTHS TOO LONG.
BestRegards,
Pete

Re: I AM GOING TO USE THE C WORD OK?

[beartech420.livejournal.com]

Hey Bro,
I know the last post was kinda strong. But check out what I'm saying and if I'm wrong that is cool because it is one less thing that there is to deal with.

You know it has been 2 years and so many good things has happened to you. You have a loving partner, a great dog, a fine trailer to enjoy the summer.

I really envy what you have even the 3k computer which is crashing on you.

You have so much to be grateful for, something like a physical illness which can be treated, should be.

And you know if your Mom could speak to you now I'm sure she would tell you that 2 years is far to long for you to be enduring such pain. She loves you and would not want her son to be in this kind mental anguish.

Pete

[excessor.livejournal.com]

I think I can empathize with you. If you're taking advice, mine is to see a professional. It won't change the fact of your mother's passing, but it will help you understand it and yourself better. I suggest you find someone who can deal with gay issues so you can talk to someone who understands the holistic you.

I understand not wanting to do this. But Jeff knows how this affects you. My guess is that all your other friends do, too. And they don't know how to help you.

[nyrimmer.livejournal.com]

I feel for you.Loosing a loved one is the most painful thing there is in life but you have to move forward with your life and if to do that you need to get help then you should.Life is to short to let this happen and you know deep down your mother would want you to be happy again. Go see a professional man.It's time.

[mfpatterson.livejournal.com]

I've been "away" from LJ for a bit, taking a break. I'm sorry to have missed this post when you most needed your LJ friends.

I am always here, albeit behind sometimes.