Two years gone

[greatbear]

Today marks two years since I lost my Mom to cancer. Right now I am too numb to really think clearly about it. We left Hillside early in the morning, and I wanted just to get home. I could not bring myself to walk up to the memorial because I knew it would have caused me to break down completely, and we'd still be there. We stopped by Jeff's parents' place for dinner and to leave the trailer behind. Without the trailer I sped back home, unloaded everything and went back out for the week's groceries with Jeff. After coming back, having a supper of sandwiches and chips, I find my main computer irretrievably crashed. This after having problems before trying to make backups. I am in such a space right now that I might end up sledgehammering the thing, all 3 grand worth just so I dont ever have to look at it again. I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow, as I had left some issues to be dealt with when I got back from my so-called relaxing trip.

I just dont know how much more of this I can take. I am tired of acting like a duck, with the illusion of gliding along in the water all the while keeping that mad kicking beneath the surface. Jeff is visibly tired of it as well, and I fear he's going to get fed up and leave. After that, there's not much more to go on with.

Sorry to vent, but I am running out of ideas now.

Comments

[excessor.livejournal.com]

I think I can empathize with you. If you're taking advice, mine is to see a professional. It won't change the fact of your mother's passing, but it will help you understand it and yourself better. I suggest you find someone who can deal with gay issues so you can talk to someone who understands the holistic you.

I understand not wanting to do this. But Jeff knows how this affects you. My guess is that all your other friends do, too. And they don't know how to help you.