A one-two punch in the gut

[greatbear]

Today I drove to the MVA to put in the paperwork and get a temporary handicapped parking placard. The place was packed, with the usual feel (and sound, thanks to the P.A. system and loud talkers) of a third-world country. When I inquired about where I had to go to get things done, I was directed to the far end of the building. On arriving there, I was greeted with a non-moving line of probably 100 people, folded back and forth by a corral of tape guide posts. I cannot stand in one place for more than five minutes, much less the time needed among that claustrophobic mess. I walked out. Granted, it was later in the day. I'll try earlier again tomorrow, if I'm greeted with the same noisy mass of humanity that teabagger nightmares are made of, I'll make my own scene with the folks running that show as to what a poor sot like me is expected to do. I was incensed.

To top things off, my cell phone rings on the way home, and I'm informed that my surgery date is not until fucking October 11. Another goddamn month and then some to endure this ever worsening hell before I can even hope for any relief. I pulled into a parking lot and tried to keep from falling apart, with limited success. Jeff finds me later that day in the garage, in a gloomy funk though trying to keep busy with stuff as good as I can. I told him the news, he stood shocked at the date so seemingly far in the future. We talked about it all through my haze of frustration, he tried to cheer me up in a bit of an inopportune way, to which I threw my project on the floor and recoiled. This made him go off in a huff, with Kodi in tow, and there I was, soaking in the knowledge that despite all appearances, I'm really alone in this fucking battle. I totally lost it. I'm really trying my best, but unlike the way I'm used to things, I am far too reliant, and withheld, by external forces beyond my control. In the grand scheme of things, compared to what I've dealt with in the past, and what some friends of mine are dealing with, it's relatively minor. But the circumstances, the pain, the financial bits, the often humiliating situations I find myself in and the absolute glacial rate of progress through this ordeal is really beginning to beat me down. I'll manage, I'm sure. My fear is that this episode in my life will leave a mark on me, and I don't mean a surgical scar. I'm afraid I will become an old, cynical, practically hateful man ready to snap at people and situations that would normally slide off my back.

Perhaps I shouldn't have posted this. But I needed to vent.

Comments

[geometrician.livejournal.com]

I wrote a long post of advice, then realized you weren't asking for any. Though we've never met face-to-face, you are one of my oldest online friends, and I'm sorry to see you going through such a rough time. I hope things get better for you soon. Hugs.

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry it's getting to you. The usual advice - "this, too, shall pass" -- well, why doesn't it fucking pass faster? Jesus. :-)

This is one of those times when escapism is good for you, if you can at all get away in books or movies or games or anything. You have a problem which you'd love to apply your energy to, but you can't because everyone else is in charge of the schedule. There's no fixing it, so do what you can, then get your mind off it if possible.

[hugs]!

[thetarnishedowl.livejournal.com]

I hear your frustration. And this is exactly the place to vent it. This is your journal. We read it with your permission.

[maxauburn.livejournal.com]

Others here have already said what I feel.

I wish I could help somehow.

Yes, you need those little diversions: A good book, a movie, whatever.

Vent away; I'm listening.

*ULTRA-HUGS*

[jacked01.livejournal.com]

Hey Phil drop me a note and we can go down there together hell its right down the street from the both of us, I can do it in the mornings since I work evenings. I can stand in the lines and wait for you while you sit.

did you check the website to see how much of this can be done online?

[greatbearmd.livejournal.com]

I'll let ya know, thanks bunches. I tried going to the Columbia office on Friday, they originally did not offer services beyond tag return and licensing. When I got there the rat bastards were closed for the holiday a day earlier. I'll give them one more shot on Tuesday. If it looks like a headache in the making, I'll take you up on that offer.

*hugs*

[disccub.livejournal.com]

I wish you well on this horrible journey that you are on. It will try your patience and may test the strength of your relationship with Jeff. If you are open and honest with him about what you are experiencing and receptive to how he is trying to help you you will be able to survive this ordeal all the stronger. Simce my phil is in a similar situatuon with his back i understand what you are going through and how Jeff feels. Big hugs

I am really sorry to hear that, Phil! ((((HUGS))))

[bonkishnurtaz.livejournal.com]

Yes Phil, you have been going through an extremely difficult time! I certainly hope that you are able to find something which keeps your mind off your pain! Perhaps watching "Rush Hashanah" on Rosh Hashanah on VH1 this coming Wednesday, would do just that! I would never want you to become "an old cynical, practically hateful man ready to snap at people and situations that would normally slide off your back. Please believe me, that's not a great deal of fun! ((((HUGS))))

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Phil, in total agreement with some others, check to see how much can be done online and if you need to and can, schedule an appointment to go have this done as it'll speed things up for people like you.

Most people just go without even looking to see how much of this CAN be done online and hence the lines.

Sorry to hear you are going through all this crap right now.

Hope you can grin and bear it until the surgery and hopefully it'll be what fixes you up.

Hugs.

[2stroker.livejournal.com]

That's terrible but you can't do anything about it so you need to accept it.The thing is,it's all out of your hands and that is a very unnerving feeling.The fear you have about becoming hateful old man ,well,that won't happen 'cause you are a good person at hart and once this all passes you'll quickly move forward with your life and be happy again.Sometimes setbacks happen for a reason man.Who knows what that reason is but it seems that everything goes down this way and then happens when it's supposed to in keeping with other forces in the universe.This has been the story of my entire life so hang in there and keep your head up high man,you'll be alright in the long run and don't loose sight of that.

[kymutt.livejournal.com]

One thing: This is your journal. If you need to vent, then by all means, vent. If folks don't like it they can skip to the next entry. I know I need to take my own advice, since I worry about seemin' too whiny. But you needed to get these feelings OUT. Leavin' them in to fester will make it worse, and bring you closer to bein' the man you described (though I have talked with you a few times online and can't see you EVER turnin' out that way.) I know I'm miles and miles away, but if I can help in any way, I will. Just let me know.

[badgerpdx.livejournal.com]

listening...

You have every right to vent!

[wrascalism.livejournal.com]

I think what you're dealing with is fairly major, not minor.

Unless you're driving a Morris Minor, or even a Morris Major. (A little automotive humour, there.) Smile for me? Pleeeeeezzze!

[fj.livejournal.com]

Why are you trying so hard to be together all the time? It is fine to fall apart sometimes.

[redmoonriver.livejournal.com]

I second this!

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

well that sucks.

[redmoonriver.livejournal.com]

*more hugs*

[clintswan.livejournal.com]

by all means, post!

we are listening and care for you...

[msclwolf.livejournal.com]

vent away! There appear to be lots o folk on here who are happy to see you n support you no matter what situation you find yourself in, they are true friends..... use them. Fall apart, scream shout, vent, then rebuild with friends and loved ones (hugs)

[rockybear02.livejournal.com]

You can vent all you want Phil - you deserve it. AND if you ever want to talk give me a call. I'm a good listener.