Fuck my life

[greatbear]

Well, at least I had a pretty decent run since around the time of our wedding til a couple days ago. Once again, my lower back decided to crumble from beneath me and I am again a hunched-over invalid in lots of pain, needing a cane to get around and no longer leaving the house. While it is not nearly as bad as my situation last year at about this time, it's similar to my original symptoms that eventually needed surgery to fix, and after that first surgery I was left permanently affected with nerve troubles. At least I can sleep mostly normally this time, unlike last year where laying down was impossible in any form. I am hoping this is a temporary setback that won't require trips to the doctors or worse. This all flared up late last week while I was doing the last bit of electrical work on the house. I was installing an electrical outlet in the entryway in order to plug in an illuminated console cabinet, a task I've been wanting to get to for over twenty years (I definitely put the "pro" in procrastination). This involved walking back and forth from one room to another, squatting or sitting on the floor, making holes in walls and fishing cable, among other involved tasks. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if I had noticed before that the wiring in the wall was 12gauge instead of the 14guage I had assumed, and needed to start over. Halfway through the work and with live wires sticking out from the wall and many of the remaining outlets in the living room dead, I couldn't stop, so I finished everything and cleaned up despite the increasing, excruciating pain. If there's a bright spot in any of this, I had gotten most of my numerous current projects and tasks completed, save for taping/spackling/sanding the reconfigured wall between the entryway and living room, and the paint and trim work. Jeff's excitement of me also finally finishing the skylight project I began 4 years ago will be dashed once again. As usual, I feel like I let him down, which I feel is often the case. I just can't catch a break anymore.

We were set to go watch Penn State play Maryland up in PA, but I sent him up along with Snickles, with Kodi and I staying behind to rest. Snickles likes to take the long walks at least twice a day in order to do his doggie business, and those walks were a big part of my exercise routine, many times 5 miles or more. Those are definitely out, and while I can simply let Kodi out of the house by himself to do his thing, Snickles needs to be leashed and walked lest he take off to points unknown, his only issue remaining since we've had him in training. We have also some shows/concerts in the works, and I'm afraid I will lose out on those too. If there is a silver lining in the cloud this weekend, there was more family drama that erupted during my absence, and this is one thing I want no parts of. I am no longer technically an outsider and will hold not one damn thing when it comes to the intra-family drama, feuding and attitude problems. Seriously, there are Jerry Springer levels of lying, thieving, homophobia, bigotry, closet cases, mental illness, addiction and more in the extended family, and both of us are glad to be far enough from it not to deal with it on a daily basis. Still, it creeps in over the phone, emails and text messages, and it makes stress levels go up. If it weren't for his mom and dad, we both would remove ourselves from any further contact. It's nearly always some stupid issue whenever the siblings call. This is why I 1) am so glad I am an only child with no other family and 2) I refuse to be dragged into this nonsense. I have no problem telling them where to go, nor with the amount of broken noses I might leave in my wake.

As my dear readers can probably imagine, I am going stir crazy already, I hate laying about doing nothing. I was like a smiling pig in a big puddle of slop doing all these projects and more, and setting up ideas and supplies for the next thing on the evolving list. Lots of momentum was brought to a complete halt now, and while I might not be literally climbing the walls, I am bracing myself against them as I move about. I just gotta focus my energies on things that don't require much movement. The one thing I have managed to avoid so far in all of this is a return to taking the narcotic pain killers I had needed the last time. The side effects are something I just don't want to deal with unless the pain becomes totally unbearable, and I definitely don't want to go through the detox process again either.

Finally, I consider this the "third strike." Since I initially was beset with these back problems and the lingering damage and disability afterward, I could not bring myself to file for permanent disability. I figured I would be able to pull myself out of it all eventually and head back to the workforce until my official retirement date (or even after), but I am beginning to face the fact that that day does not appear to be coming anymore. This is the biggest hit to my pride that I can think of besides the disability itself, as I have always, always been proud of my independent nature, my ability to literally lift myself from poverty to living in what is currently the second-richest county in the US, and to be able to handle whatever might come my way. My ego didn't want to face this day, and it's looming larger than ever. I feel I am giving up. I have run out of options by all measures, and it kills me t think about it.

*sigh*

Comments

[notdefined.livejournal.com]

Okay, get it out of your system. So what if you have to go on disability, do you possibly think that you did not pay for that safety net? It doesn't make you a panhandler despite what ever the useless republicans try to feed the public. I think you have demonstrated over and over that it was not your desire to not work. Just as I have had to accept my less than superhuman abilities, you should accept your limitations as well. Yeah, it is rough being just a normal human being, but even then you will find ways to exceed the norm, trust me on this. The important thing right now is to turn your intelligence to coming up with a way to protect yourself from further injury. Figure out a way to take the job of supporting yourself off of your bones to give them a break and it a way that will give you the ability to at least do some things. Modify how you work to guarantee your success. Above all Phil, don't beat yourself up. You don't have to be superman, even though I still think that you are.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Something people forget about disability is it's meant to be re-evaluated over time. If you apply and are accepted, but then recover - you can "quit" disability. I see no reason not to think about it.

So sorry you're still battling this. I would much rather hear about your home creations/mods and glee :(

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Phil,

What notdefined said, take it as a challenge, figure out how to make your injuries work for you, even if you have to take disability now and later you become cured of your back issues.

There are plenty of ways you can be productive but gives your bones a rest, and most especially your back, learn how to pace yourself and all that. You'll come back and still be productive, but in a different way that still makes you happy.

That is the important thing to keep in mind.

I'm sure many of us view you as superman in a way, but you ARE human and thus must readjust your outlook to fit the situation, re-evaluate and reform if need be, and continue on.

So in essence, don't give up, let your back rest for the time being, but do think upon how you can make it all work easier for you - and thus get on disability so there IS income coming in besides Jeff's, and see what/how you can continue to be productive in your current capacity.

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

Hope you feel better soon, buddy. I have back issues myself at times and understand not being able to rest in any position. It's hard to get across to folks.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear that you're having back issues again. It looks like you pushed it just a bit too much with the projects, but you did finish most of them, so there's that ... I hope your back improves with rest and you can get back to being your productive self.

I started to file for SSD two years ago after my hospital stay, but decided not to ... Be cautioned, it takes about four months before they take up the application and it's not an easy process. People get it mixed up all the time with SSI. My issue is pride, as you've indicated yours might be. I'm not willing to admit I can no longer work, but my resources are limited and my depression is strong.

I found a letter from my mom written on Thanksgiving (what would have been her anniversary) to me. It was just before she went into the hospital and didn't survive her surgery. It undid me ... I have a post ready to go that includes it, but it's pretty bleak.

Know that you are in my thoughts, heart (and if you're not offended) prayers ... I wish you the very best always ...

[furr-a-bruin.livejournal.com]

Oof. I'm so sorry to hear about this setback; I hope you bounce back from it pretty quickly.

I can see how disability could be difficult for you to accept - but I think others here have given good counsel on that. As for work ... is there something you might be able to do (that would be acceptable to you) that's more of a "desk job" that would be a much lower risk of straining your back? I realize you like doing physical projects, but what you know about how things work is at least as valuable as the ability to do them yourself - if not more so. As for the potential onset of "cabin fever" - stuff that's much more "think" than "move" might help. (Have you ever been tempted to write? :)

[Careful Biker Hugs]

[redmoonriver.livejournal.com]

Sending you love, dear.

[dan4behr.livejournal.com]

notdefined had some good words of advice. And as the later comment stated, you can always return to the workforce later if you feel up to it. I"m so sorry this issue has cropped up again.

One other thing really struck home with me: the quote about family
"there are Jerry Springer levels of lying, thieving, homophobia, bigotry, closet cases, mental illness, addiction and more in the extended family, and both of us are glad to be far enough from it not to deal with it on a daily basis. Still, it creeps in over the phone, emails and text messages, and it makes stress levels go up"

You have just described Brian's family to a "T". I have eluded so some of this drama myself, but so much is left unsaid. I can really feel for you one this one...

[mort-83.livejournal.com]

Oh hell, sorry to read about this set-back Phil . Please don't beat yourself up, buddy, 'K? You've been an inspiration- working like you have with your health issues. I'd vote Aye with the others about the disability. Wishing you much healing. (((HUG)))

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

You're the opposite of a malingerer -- like everybody else, you paid extra taxes and have this coverage, so use it. Be independent but not foolhardy. Stay useful but don't assume you can be a fullt-ime worker for awhile. If things improve, you can always change back....

[merlinwon.livejournal.com]

In hopes you feel betters soon! I have read a few of the other comments. You're a wonderful guy and people care about you!

Chin Up!

Luv n Hugs,
♥