I didnt call in gay today. Why? Well, kinda tough to do that to a company that worked very hard to earn a 100% rating from the HRC in terms of being a gay friendly place of employment. And hell, I got to take Jeff with me to hobnob with Cyndi Lauper and the B-52s on their dime a few years back. So, I think it would have been a tad counterproductive. Besides, I pulled their asses out of yet another fire with my dazzling feats of tech-fu once again. Another multi-million dollar program flies thanks to me. I rawk.

Our Xmas tree now has it's first present docked under it, still in it's shipping box from Amazon.com. Jeff has no idea what it is either. He still asks me what I want as a gift. I have no idea. It's not that my wish list is nonexistent. It's just full of things that are, well, pricey. A Canon 5D Mk II DSLR, a Miller TIG welder, a Denon AVR-4308CI receiver, a to-be determined bigass plasma television, a Snap-On SOLUS diagnostic computer, etc, not exactly stuff I can whip out the plastic and tote home without making serious dents in savings. Besides, they arent really that personal. I'll get my goods in time, as I need and warrant them. I dont ask for any presents simply because I feel uncomfortable doing so. In my case, I like to be giving year-round. I dont need a holiday full of crass commercialism to have an occasion. What I do enjoy is good food, togetherness and friendship during the holidays. It's what I grew up with, and what means the most to me. Sadly, I feel left out of it a lot these days. Things happen to get in the way, and, honestly, I have not been included in much of it among friends for a while now. Cannot figure out why. Do I smell bad? DO I not smell bad enough? I thought I stopped being a social lout in my teens. A lot changed when I lost Mom, and in many ways. Still, I hold onto hope all the time, and I try to do up the holidays like I used to. And I find my happiness.

I've been battling a serious case of blog block for many months now. Rarely a day goes by that I wont have something personal, newsworthy, helpful, whatever, that I figure on posting that day and...

Nothing.

I will email myself links of note and even carry a USB drive where I keep jotted notes and raw entries. But when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of finishing up and posting, the desire just fades. Sometimes it's being lazy, but more often than not I encounter this invisible glass wall that stops me dead in my tracks and I simply close the entry window. It's like a meteorite that flares and then evaporates.

I've even took some steps in hope of jostling some enthusiasm in all of this with hopes of maybe even taking it to another level. I have a permanent account. I've even secured domain names. But for all the times that I have the urge to make use of any of it, by the time I begin the effort, I somehow usually just forget about in a huff and nothing sees the light of day. What does hit the page is usually something quick and disposable for the most part. A meme here, a YouTube there, with perhaps a bit of substance on occasion.

It should come as no surprise that other aspects of my life has fallen into the same trap. I have oodles of unfinished projects, wasting too much time on things that dont matter, etc. Part of this is a sort of depression, yes. But another part of it is middle age creeping in and destroying my once youthful enthusiasm. I look back at all of my accomplishments and I feel proud of it all. These days are full of uncertainty for me. Work is mostly a soul-depleting hell-hole but it pays well. My health is declining, with more aches and hurts and issues than I am used to dealing with. Once I was healthy as a horse, full of piss and vinegar and ready to conquer anything. Now I seem to just sputter along like a clapped-out beige Ford Fairmont with a brown door and three burnt valves.

I wish I could snap out of it. I've had enough of 'been there, done that'. I want more. I need more.