A month of pure hell

[greatbear]

Actually, it has been a bit over a month now since I wrecked my back, and my life has been as miserable as you'd expect. Honestly, this has been the worst "suffering" I've had to deal with regarding a health problem. The levels of pain have been on par with the bout with severe diverticulitis that became a serious case of peritonitis which came close to killing me. That ordeal only had me in extreme pain for about a week. Even when I was in a car accident that busted up my shoulder and left me with a permanently detached collarbone was easier to deal with. I've spent the entire time unable to sleep in a bed, I sleep sitting in a chair with a small table (or, more often, my keyboard drawer, thankfully I had made it "industrial strength") with my face buried in a pillow or sofa cushion. I wake up from increasing pain as the drugs wear off. If I have the misfortune of putting myself in a bad position while asleep, the pain makes me groan and cuss. I tried a couple times to lay in bed after I had an epidural injection into my spine thinking it might be doable. I woke up in such searing pain I nearly blacked out. I could almost put all that aside if it weren't for the fact that I am basically unable to do anything to take my mind off of it all. I need a walker to move about the house, and two canes the few times I went out with Jeff to the various doctors. The walker is to wide and cumbersome to easily move around the house, so instead I am using a dolly that has five stacked and connected power tool cases. It's narrower, and I can use it to cart things around, and the weight of everything (maybe 80 pounds) gives me a bit of resistance that helps my legs. I guess it fits my character a bit better too. If I stand, I make Quasimodo look like a model of good posture, gait and stance. Walking without any support is impossible.

Those who know me well are quite aware of my apparent need to constantly build, fix, examine, design and tinker with things. The fact this injury has all but stripped me of the ability to do these things is tantamount to cruelty and torture. Yes, there are chores and tasks needing attention, but I am unable to do a lot of the cool and fun projects and such I had in the works. With little more than the computer to keep me entertained, I peruse my various forums when I am lucid, and I spent far too much time dreaming up new ideas as well as collecting thoughts on current stuff. I also discovered that popping over a dozen pills a day including narcotic pain relievers fogs my judgement as evidenced by the purchase of yet another high-zoot home theater receiver to redo the big setup in the living room. I can at least take some comfort (and distraction) as I integrate this new unit and be able to watch movies in style once again. that is, until the required drugs kick in and I fall into a near narcoleptic sleep wherever I might be.

I have a doctor visit tomorrow to discuss the next course of action, which will involve more surgery on my spine. I suffer now from degenerative disc disease, and moderate to severe scoliosis. The real problem at the moment is due to a herniated disc once again compressing the spinal nerves, along with a "free fragment" of that disc separating and digging hard into the nerves. This is worse than the original problem I had with the spinal stenosis which slowly over time constricted the nerves and left me with pretty severe sciatic nerve pain. At least back then I could get relief laying down, or, oddly, sitting cross-legged on the ground. This time it's just sheer hell with no relief in sight for who knows how long. To add more insult to injuries, this doesn't take into account my Jenga'd vertebrae which will will undoubtedly be a source of future problems, which most likely will involve metal plates and screws and bone fusion. Right now, I am fortunate to have Jeff to help me with daily life and trips to the hospital and doctors. I am just so sorry I get him awake in the middle of the night so often when I end up screaming from the pain.

I have a lot on my mind considering the future. This might end up being a permanent disability, one that will require lots of rethinking and changes. I'm trying not to let that absorb me too much, it's too depressing. In the meantime, I am trying to stay as positive as I can. Wish me luck.

Edit: I want to thank everyone who has left me well wishes and good thoughts. Sorry I haven't gotten back to thank everyone personally, writing my thoughts out online has been an exercise in futility and lots of misspellings and goofy grammar. Drugs are bad, mmkay...

Comments

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

Oh man. Wow. All I can say is that I wish you the best in the next round of surgery!

[holy13nation.livejournal.com]

Mate, haven't been on either posting or commenting much and can't pretend to be able to say anything other than I am so sorry things are as they are. I hope sometime you find some respite. Got a good man there . All my best.

[maxauburn.livejournal.com]

I'm sad to hear this. I wish I could help. I wish I had magic powers like Harry Potter and could heal you with a simple wave of a wand.

I hope things will improve for you very soon. I can only imagine the pain and severe discomfort that you are in.

[restoman.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to hear of the severe pain you are experiencing. I wish there was something I could do or say to help the situation. I suppose the best I can do is to wish you luck and to hope that they can schedule the surgery quickly.

*hugs*

[redmoonriver.livejournal.com]

Sending you lots of love and strength, hon. Wish I could do more. :/

[franklanguage.livejournal.com]

i wish you relief from this as soon as possible; chronic pain is a horrible way to live.

[jeffbriggs.livejournal.com]

I hope things work out for you in the near future.
I wish I could send magic wishes your way to help.

[wrascalism.livejournal.com]

I certainly hope the docs can make things better for you! Hang in there buddy!

[mort-83.livejournal.com]

Geez, Phil..so sorry you're going through all this. Wish I had some thing more to offer than my hope you can find someway through all this to heal.. Hang in there, man...

[designerotter.livejournal.com]

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you've been undergoing such horrendous pain, Phil. Forgive please that I've mostly been away from LJ the past few weeks - I just saw a comment from you on mrdreamjeans' latest post, so I was impelled to investigate and look you up, realizing that something awful must have happened to you recently.
Since I happen to have scoliosis myself, along with mild sciatica, I can sympathize with you firsthand - though my pains are doubtless a lot less severe than what you've been going through. I only have truly nasty back pain occasionally, at which point I get to do the Quasimodo shuffle for a day or two. Fortunately, I got sent to a physical therapist who's given me exercises that have helped a lot. I've found that gentle upkeep of exercises has paid off.

I sincerely hope you get through the pain phase soon ...and go on to the gentle exercise/motion and healing phase. It's great that you've got a partner to offer support of many kinds - and I hope a little pet therapy is also available to you.
The fact that you're able to respond to LJ posts is itself a good sign and I hope an improvement, at least in comparison to this particular post. Please know that you're in my thoughts. Sending fervent wishes for freedom from pain, and may your healing commence soon. Warm hugs!